I'm scared, not solely because these plans take me out of my comfort zone, but mostly because these plans involve me leaning on God every second of the day. I'm scared because, with God, I am brilliant. I am liberated, set free and God's plans for me are every single one of my aspirations wrapped into one glowing ball of fire fueled by the work I put into them, fighting to be released for my good and His glory.
The bible says, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your path straight. Let me say that again: acknowledge Him in all your ways. Not just some, not just the big decisions, but every. single. one. I have to wake up in the morning and acknowledge God when I choose what road I take to work or what I wear for the day. What classes I take in the fall, what words I choose to say. I have to acknowledge Him, because if and when I don't, my life crumbles around me. If I don't acknowledge God in all my ways, I'm choosing to acknowledge other things, and let me tell you, that fails you faster than oiled feet on a slip-n-slide.
I spent years of my life trying to loosen the grip God had on me. It was a tug-of-war between Him and me. He'd pull me closer into His plans, but I got scared and I eventually let go. But when I fell into that mud hole in the center of our rope, the only one who climbed down there with me was Him. I had to burn my ships and make my home in God's arms. Everyday is no less easy, but everyday is much more worth it. God has chosen me. He wants me. My playing small does not serve the world.
The following is a poem I wrote. When people ask me my testimony, I usually recite lines from this writing. If this resonates with anyone, I pray you read the second part of this poem as a prayer. It's the best decision I've ever made and it's the only thing that has never failed me.
I was told by the world that treasures were measured by money, power and fame
That the only way to survive was seeing things through clouded eyes
So I believed in the world's lie and tried to disqualify myself from the life I had been chosen for
I could be part of this world and love God at the same time
As long as neither found out about the other
I was an adulterous to my own life
I was imprisoned to my sin
Knowing that Christ had already paid that price
And made me alive again
Yet I still found myself serving that sentence
Enslaved to that idol that I claimed repentance
Being reminded by God
That yes, His grace covers
But I wasn't walking in the manner in which He called me
I didn't understand that what He was asking for was all of me
So I flirted with that line of holy and mundane until it faded
Could only find God on Sundays when my cries were belated
And the lens I was looking through only made me more jaded
But I knew God
I knew the creator of this universe
I couldn't barter my way into His presence
I had to remain in Him with no chance of going back
I had to burn my ships and face the facts
That I wasn't destined for average
I was chose for something great
I couldn't let fear or comfort cripple me from my fate
I knew if I waited longer
My role could be replaced
So I kept no flaw of mine from Him
For He already knew it
Gave Him my brokenness so He could use it
Because He told me that every detail of my life was for my own benefit
That my story would help someone
But only if I allowed it
So I was refined by His fire
Went to the background and gave Him center stage
Wanting to be a speck in His story
Just a period on a page
Any more of me would be robbing Him of His glory
And my only purpose is to bring Him praise
So I render myself in His hands as clay
Staring at the ashes of what was
With no way back, I'm here to stay
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