Spoken word of spoken words//heart problems being the heart of the problem

I pray that You may give me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that I may know You better. I pray that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened in order that I may know the hope to which You have called me, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in Your holy people, and Your incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength You exerted when You raised Christ from the dead and seated him at Your right hand in the heavenly realms, -Ephesians 1:17-20 AHV [Alyssa Hicks Version]

     If I were to give a description of what my life has been this past month, I would have to say just one big question mark. I don't know. I don't even know. God has shown me what's waiting on the fourth floor and the first step of that long staircase, but everything else getting me there is just kind of impossible. That fourth floor is Peru in January and that first step is January.
     I was apart of the 4 unaccompanied #GatewayGirlsToPeru who caught a plane because God told us to. I've been a believer long enough to know I should move when He tells me to, but I'd be lying if I told I wasn't sitting on Logan's front steps less than 48 hours of our departure asking her if we should really do this with slim to none plans of what the next 6 weeks of our lives were going to look like. 
     I doubt all the time, I'm a natural pessimist, but I'm so thankful for God's constant pursuit of me, even when I'm running from His goodness. I have to be honest about my disobedience, because when I lie to myself, it gives the enemy room for opinion. For months preparing for Peru, I prayed those verses above over myself. For a spirit of wisdom and revelation; for the eyes of my heart to be enlightened to the hope in which I have been called; and for the incomparably, immeasurable, incredible greatness of God's power that has been given to us who believe. I prayed big, bold things and God did immeasurably more than I could've asked or ever imagined.
     So we went to Peru. The moment I got in the van of our new family and looked out of the window I thought, "You know, I could come back here. Maybe study here the fall of my senior year--" My thought was interrupted by the Lord saying, "No, you're coming back here in January." Immediately, I let the rest of His message to go to voicemail with no intention of calling Him back, hoping God called the wrong sheep.

     Day 3 in Lima, my friend Courtney and I were making breakfast and she turned to me and said, "I feel like I'm supposed to come back here in January and I feel like you're supposed to come with."
     I threw down the dishes I was washing, turned around irritably and asked, "Who told you that?"
     "God did."
     Later that day, we met up with our friend and translator from our first trip to Lima in 2011. We passed a university and God said, "This is the university you are going to go to." I put my headphones in and ran to the nearest TGI Friday's to eat American food and watch the World Cup.
     The next day we met with this church. This church is what enlightened the eyes of my heart. God said that this is the church, this is the hope to which I have been called to and I started opening up to the idea. That night, I told the girls what God had been revealing to me and asked if they would pray fervently about God's plan A for me.
     As we left Lima for Pacasmayo, Peru; I figured my time out of Lima would be good for my heart, removed from the city limits, to talk to God about all this. At least once a day, I would ask Samantha if she had talked to God on my behalf about this whole January thing. Not that I wanted God to show me right then, but that what I heard from God then in June, was something He would tell me again in October, when I'm equally removed from both experiences. "Yes, Alyssa. Yes, I'm praying."
     On our last day in Pacasmayo, we were leaving to go back to Lima and we four were sitting in a grocery store and I asked again: "Have you guys been praying for me?!" My hair was blown back by their unison of "YES, ALYSSA."
     I sat in thought and said boldly, "Okay. If God wants me to go to Peru in January, let's ask Him for a sign. If it is raining when we land in Lima, God's saying yes. Not misting, but raining. Real rain." God's speaks to me a lot through the rain and the part of Lima we were in, it mists a lot, but real rain hardly ever comes, so if God wanted me back there, I was asking Him to show off. 

"My arms open wide and my face to the sky

I look up at the water that will inevitably fall on me

And wait for those droplets that allow me to blossom where I’ve been planted"

     I get off the plane and we grab our bags, and just as we find our ride, I notice the night sky. It's pouring. My friend looked at me and said, "You asked God for a sign and He gave it to you. You can ask Him for more and He will provide, but you know you're answer, now you pray for preparation."
     She was right. In the Houston airport, I emailed my advisor and told her my plans of studying abroad and changing my major because God said January. I got to school in August and God still said January. I applied for abroad programs in Peru because God said January. Peru is on the other side of the equator, so their seasons are different as well as their school year. Their spring semester doesn't start until March, but God still said January.
     So here it was, finally October when I asked God to give me wisdom and revelation, but all He was giving me was January. I started making my own plans for January and February, thinking I could technically stay in the states, invest in what God is doing in Springfield, but in my mind I was reminded that He said January. 
     I came home for a cardiologist appointment and things did not go as I'd have liked. I have neurocardiogenic syncope and tachy-brady syndrome, but it has been manageable up to this point. When I told my doctor what's been going on, he wasn't stoaked about my latest symptoms. He strapped an MCOT on me and scheduled an appointment to meet back with him in a month. Definitely a roadblock to trying to leave the country for 8 months. This month has been phone calls from doctors, second opinions, and anxiety over what little information that doctors have been able to give me. This definitely made my family more comfortable with going closer to March, if going at all, but God said January, yet I still had no idea why.

"I have to remain in Him with no chance of going back
I have to burn my ships and face the facts
That I wasn't destined for average
I was chose for something great
I can't let fear or comfort cripple me from my fate"

     But why January? What will I do for the two months before classes start? Last weekend, I texted Courtney about Peru and when we should go, she said still said January, because God's word is never wavering. Our friend is in the process of adopting two girls from the orphanage we lived at in Pacasmayo and she will have to go alone because the dates to pick them up were pushed back. To January. Immediately upon hearing this, I knew she was the reason God said January back on June 10. Conveniently, I was in Kansas City that weekend and called my parents to meet me downtown to discuss what this all looks like. My parents have been hesitant with all this. They want me to seek God's will, but don't want to be bad parents and send their youngest daughter with a weak heart all the way to a third-world country. 
     I sat in the backseat of their car and I said everything. I said January because God said January, I said I loved them and Galatians 6, but I am a bond servant to the Lord, I have to obey Him. My dad avoided eye contact and my mom said she's been praying about this, she's recruited all of the woman in her bible study to pray about this, she turned around and said to me, "Some of the women in my bible study have told me that your heart belongs to Peru right now. I know you're going in January."
     People always tell me that they never hear from God so clearly, but my only response is this clarity is the most effective way God has been able to get through to me. We've tried other ways and I'm really good at talking my way out of them. Praying Ephesians 1:17-20 was a game-changer, but it has also been nothing shy of terrifying.

     The doctor's say I'm not medically cleared, my expiration date has been made more real, but my confidence isn't found in medicine or overworking hearts. My hope is in God and my confidence is in His word.

"My circumstances won't rob You of Your adoration
They won't keep me in the boat
I will sprint towards Your hope
Because You are good
And tomorrow won't change that"

     The Lord has been reminding me of words that I wrote a year ago. A year exactly. As I seek His guidance in this next stage of my life, I pray that those words I proclaimed, those words that are vows of our covenant remain to be glue of my faith and the proof of His provision.

Quit Dwelling on The Cross

  A feeling of inadequacy is real in the Christia--in life. The feeling is real and can be related to almost, if not every experience in life. Our culture is constantly telling us that we have to better ourselves before we can get what we want, or sometimes even what we need.

     When it comes to Christianity, I hear so many people tell me that they'll become a Christian later when it's on their time, when they're done with high school or college or when they're married with kids. Then they'll fully surrender their lives to God, but right now, it's just too much work for them to do. They've got to clean themselves up before the God of the Universe will even consider accepting them.
     I hear that and I think of saints like Doug Benjamin, who was far from cleaned up when he met God. Who was fleeing his responsibilities, fighting drug addiction and trying to figure out what it meant to be a father after being absent in his children's lives for many years. I think of Doug now, who welcomed Christ into his life during that mess, who has been saved by grace and raised up with Christ. Doug uses his God-given gifts to invest in the lives of men in prison and coming out of prison and sacrificially gives his time and resources to others, because he understands they don't belong to him anyways. His humility overflows into the lives of those men and he's been an example to the coming ages of the immeasurable riches of God's grace.
     I think of my friend Hannah, who knew God, but never truly experienced Him. I think of how scary it was for her our freshman year of college. She knew God with her head, but it wasn't revealed to her heart, so she said all the right answers, but wondered why she was still wondering. I see Hannah now, who is a daughter of the Most High King, who has been justified by not only Christ's death but His resurrection. I see Hannah, who is still a mess like the rest of us, that has been made righteous by her faith, as she continuously doesn't let her circumstances rob God of His adoration.
     When I surrendered to God, I was running from His calling. I knew what He expected of me, but I tried to prove to Him and everyone around me that he dialed the wrong number, I wasn't the one He was looking for. I remember wondering who could this God be who could take something of my condition and make it into anything useful.

     That was when I stopped dwelling on the cross, and stared into the tomb. 

     Maybe you need to quit looking at the cross. Yes, your sins were so suffocating that they put the Son of God on a cross and killed him, but He didn't stay there. Your sins were slain. Jesus Christ died, but He rose again and Vince-Carter-dunked on every single sin that you've committed and will ever commit. He conquered them all. He lives so now you can live. You don't have to be, because He is, He was, and He will always be. Leave your sin on that cross and step inside that tomb. Step inside His mercy, walk in the midst of His grace and be made righteous by your faith because you have been set free. Admit that you need a cleaning crew, because it is not by our own doing, but it is a gift from God and recognize that your inadequacies are just lies that are keeping you from living the in the immeasurable riches of His grace by which you have been saved.

Because you are enough. You have always been enough. 

What they don't tell you about being a Christian

     I've always been a very independent person and I take pride in my individuality and my lack of necessity when it comes to needing others, but I've learned throughout the years that this is one of my biggest setbacks in my walk with God (ironic, I know). There's been tons of times, I've turned down help, even God's, because--well, I got this.

     I remember when I first decided to accept all that God had to offer, my biggest concern was what He was going to ask me on my end. I thought that by being a Christian, that going all in, meant I'd have to stop being funny. I thought it meant I'd have to stop having an opinion, raise 5 kids, never cut my hair, and cross my legs when I sit. Because so many of us, as Christians, we tell our story as, "Hi, I'm Alyssa and before I knew God I was a prideful, arrogant jerk who could talk myself in and out of anything. But then I accepted Jesus Christ in my heart." --and credits.

     I mean, all that's true, but what I usually seem to leave out is the fact that I still am a prideful, arrogant jerk. I could sell ice to the devil and I have a talent of telling people how it is. Of course, yeah, I have my good days, but if I'm not battling those sins, I've got some other self-absorbed desire that I have to shake off. Yes, the Spirit lives within me and I love God's law with all my heart, but there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me, so daily I take up my cross and ask God to strip me of my flesh, with the faith that knows He can and the faith that knows, even if He chooses not to, He's given me His Spirit to combat it. 

     I met a girl this summer who reminded me a lot of myself and I watched this 15-year-old girl's body language and listened to her tell me stories about how she talks to her parents or sisters. I cringed and thanked God for the mercy He had on me to not allow 15-year-old Alyssa live out her plans in this life. 

     I've been all in with God for awhile but that disobedient spirit in me still fights against what He has planned. But every time I give in to His will and allow myself to be refined by His fire it's worth every millisecond. 

     I've said this before, but let me say it again: My decision to follow God wasn't an option. Once I encountered the love of Jesus Christ and let His grace wash over me, I knew that waking up every morning with that hole in my chest wasn't something I was willing to settle for anymore. Because when the God of the universe didn't only extend an arm down into that hole of muck I dug yourself into, but got down in that muck with me and lift me out of it, I couldn't go back to sleepless nights staring at the ceiling searching for the answer of where each one of my breaths come from. I couldn't live in that regret and shame and unworthiness a moment longer. I had tasted the sweetest wine, how could I ever go back to drinking water?

     Following God wasn't an alternative for me, it was my only choice available. All the others paled in comparison, trust me, I tried them out. But choosing God wasn't my only choice. I've had to choose to follow Him every day since then.
     Christianity isn't a way out or a solution to your most current problem, it's truth. It doesn't lessen your troubles, but it does give you the peace and strength to face them. Following God isn't easy, but it's worth it. Oh, is it worth it. 

     I've been in this race for 5 solid years now, and there is no other place I'd rather be than with my eyes on the ground looking to where His feet take me next. God knew I had a free spirit, so He gave me wings and these wings have allowed me to fly and have taken me farther than I could have ever asked or imagined. Then there are times when I have to ask God to clip them, so I can stay where He asks me to. 

     It seems to be that I remember my past struggles over my current ones, but the reality of it is that I'm a soldier fighting a war and not every day is rainbows and lollipops and not every battle I enter do I win. But in this fight, I'm on the winning army and even during those times of strife, they are still better than my days without Him.

I am powerful beyond measure.

   The Lord has not made me incompetent, He has made me powerful beyond measure. Even when things are fearful, the living God has not given me a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love and of self-confidence. Lately, God has shown me just a glimpse of the creation He has designed for me; and it's terrifying. But I know The Lord of lords can do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine and His plans for me are plan A.
     I'm scared, not solely because these plans take me out of my comfort zone, but mostly because these plans involve me leaning on God every second of the day. I'm scared because, with God, I am brilliant. I am liberated, set free and God's plans for me are every single one of my aspirations wrapped into one glowing ball of fire fueled by the work I put into them, fighting to be released for my good and His glory.
     The bible says, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your path straight. Let me say that again: acknowledge Him in all your ways. Not just some, not just the big decisions, but every. single. one. I have to wake up in the morning and acknowledge God when I choose what road I take to work or what I wear for the day. What classes I take in the fall, what words I choose to say. I have to acknowledge Him, because if and when I don't, my life crumbles around me. If I don't acknowledge God in all my ways, I'm choosing to acknowledge other things, and let me tell you, that fails you faster than oiled feet on a slip-n-slide.
     I spent years of my life trying to loosen the grip God had on me. It was a tug-of-war between Him and me. He'd pull me closer into His plans, but I got scared and I eventually let go. But when I fell into that mud hole in the center of our rope, the only one who climbed down there with me was Him. I had to burn my ships and make my home in God's arms. Everyday is no less easy, but everyday is much more worth it. God has chosen me. He wants me. My playing small does not serve the world.
     The following is a poem I wrote. When people ask me my testimony, I usually recite lines from this writing. If this resonates with anyone, I pray you read the second part of this poem as a prayer. It's the best decision I've ever made and it's the only thing that has never failed me.

I was told by the world that treasures were measured by money, power and fame
That the only way to survive was seeing things through clouded eyes
So I believed in the world's lie and tried to disqualify myself from the life I had been chosen for
I could be part of this world and love God at the same time
As long as neither found out about the other
I was an adulterous to my own life
I was imprisoned to my sin
Knowing that Christ had already paid that price 
And made me alive again
Yet I still found myself serving that sentence
Enslaved to that idol that I claimed repentance
Being reminded by God
That yes, His grace covers
But I wasn't walking in the manner in which He called me
I didn't understand that what He was asking for was all of me

So I flirted with that line of holy and mundane until it faded 
Could only find God on Sundays when my cries were belated
And the lens I was looking through only made me more jaded

But I knew God
I knew the creator of this universe
I couldn't barter my way into His presence
I had to remain in Him with no chance of going back  
I had to burn my ships and face the facts 
That I wasn't destined for average
I was chose for something great
I couldn't let fear or comfort cripple me from my fate
I knew if I waited longer
My role could be replaced

So I kept no flaw of mine from Him
For He already knew it
Gave Him my brokenness so He could use it
Because He told me that every detail of my life was for my own benefit
That my story would help someone
But only if I allowed it 

So I was refined by His fire
Went to the background and gave Him center stage
Wanting to be a speck in His story
Just a period on a page
Any more of me would be robbing Him of His glory 
And my only purpose is to bring Him praise

So I render myself in His hands as clay 
Staring at the ashes of what was
With no way back, I'm here to stay

The Love of a Father

     All day long, I've been asking God to show me something new of Him. To show up in a big way. "God, let the only thing missing in my life be more of you."
     Today, I've been reminded again of the love of my earthly father.
God's been showing me that a lot. He's reminded me of all that my own dad has done for our family.
     Pat Hicks is the closest example I have of God's love, provision, Jesus' obedience, and sacrifice. My dad desires to give me things and in the days when the Hicks Family didn't even have enough money to pay attention, my father would sacrifice his needs to fulfill the needs of his wife and kids, to fulfill our wants, even. Oh, how I thank God for the example He has given me of that man.
     God tells me, "Alyssa, the amount your dad loves you is just a drop in the ocean of how much I love you, how much I want to give you. And you don't even realize how much that man loves you. I love you so much more."
     I've learned how to obey God by obeying my father, I've learned to trust in God to provide, because I've always had that trust in my own dad to provide. I have an idea of God's love for us because of the love my dad has for my mom.
     Oh, and my mother. She is the most Proverbs 31 woman I know, and it's an effortless task for her (it's kind of annoying) but that's the way God made her. I know what it means to be a woman because she has been nothing short of that my whole life. I have a better picture of who God is and I've learned to know Him better because of my parents and I thank God for that every day.
     So, to all of those who are new parents, got one brewing in your belly or aren't talking to your teenager, let me tell you this: I know God better because my parents know Him better. I desire to know Him better because of my parents and I've been set out into the world because they know I belong to Him and I praise God for that, for them.

Lima, Peru Day 1

Peru is beautiful. Today was our first full day here and God has already shown us so many cool things. Having the four of us, plus Courtney’s friend Sarah, has been so much fun! Sarah has been such an uplifting member of our team. She carries spiritual gifts that compliment ours well and has been the voice of reason today. I guess it comes with her being the oldest—she turns 21 in August. Yeah, that’s the oldest of us.

 

Today, we went to the market and bought food for our time here at YWAM. When we went to the meat part of the market, we had the option of buying chicken patties, chicken legs, wings, or the whole chicken. We went with the whole chicken. We have videos of Courtney cutting it up, we'll have to post later :)

And here is our Mama Cecilia showing us, with an actual knife, how to cut the chicken. She’s the wife of Big Cesar and the mom of little Cesar, who’s actually bigger. Little Cesar is the director of the YWAM base in Lima, who connected us to the base here.

And our first successful meal J

     The Australian team lands tonight. Today was our time to settle in. With our free time this afternoon, we decided to walk to the Starbucks to get some free wifi. When Starbucks became farther than we expected, we saw a McDonald’s and decided to milk them for their wifi instead. We met a German girl, her Peruvian boyfriend, and his American best friend from Wisconsin. Well, I don’t know if we met them so much as found out they understood everything we were saying the hard way.

     Anyways, I went up to use the restroom after we ordered our food and came back to find a little Peruvian girl had taken my seat. Maria had come up to our table, Sarah was the only one sitting there, and sold her some candy. When Maria asked us what we were doing in Peru, Logan and Courtney shared with her they have siblings from Peru. After many moments of broken Spanish and confusion, we explained they were adopted. Maria was ecstatic to find out we were American and she enjoyed listening to us trying to speak Spanish as she ate my fries one by one. We could tell immediately Maria didn’t come to us just to sell us candy, she wanted to know us. It was an hour before sunset, so we decided to go home, we said our goodbyes to Maria and Sarah told her, “Jesus te amo.” (Jesus loves you). Maria hugged us all and gave us the traditional kiss on the cheek as we left. She was easily the best part of our day.

My broken shell

     I've never really understood people's oppositions on the rain. Personally, I've always loved it, though I understand I'm in the minority. Most people hate it; fear it. Fear of what storms it might bring with it or what patio furniture it might damage. The world stops when it rains. American's love to act like the rain keeps them indoors, when most of them never go out and enjoy the earth anyways. I love the rain. I love the rain for many reasons. I love the way it changes the sky in just a matter of minutes. I love the rush on the streets, as people scurry to find safety inside their homes. I love the warm pavement. I love the noise it makes as it rattles its way from above all the way to the ground and the grass drinks it up. I love the smell and the moistness in the air it leaves, like its of spraying its scent on letters to beloved. I love the raindrops and the way they race each other to the ground, fighting to remain individual during the downpour. Everything about it, I love it. So, when most people are running to get out of it, I'm usually trying to find the fastest route into it. The smell is intoxicating, the sight is invigorating, but the feeling.
     That feeling of warm raindrops absorbing into your skin, making your eyesight blurry as the weight of the water causes the canopy that is your lashes collapse. Deep breath. You can't help but have a smile wrap across your face. It's like nothing I've ever felt before, so it's something I have to feel as often as possible. It is the essence of freedom, you can feel the extraction of bravery try to escape your skin in the form of goosebumps. It is liberating. Deep breath.
     I love the rain, because it's real and real almost always insinuates anxiety or awkwardness. Most people run from it instead of embrace it. But for me, the rain makes me feel whole.

     As you can tell, not even conversations about the weather is something I pass. My friend Olivia tells me I like to take light conversations ocean deep more than anyone she knows. Maybe that's true, or maybe I'm just the only who doesn't have the patience for the small talk that gets us there. Either way, I like to think things matter. I've been a person too long to believe that any one person just has one layer and that all those layers are unscathed. Even if I'm not the person they show those other layers to, that they're shown to someone and brought into the light.

     When I think about Jesus and the transfiguration (Matthew 17:2, Mark 9:2-3), I think about what I would've looked like on that mountain top if I were in Jesus' position. Jesus took His closest friends to show them a part of Him that He hadn't shown anyone before. Transfiguration is defined as, "a complete change of form or appearance into a more beautiful or spiritual state." Of course, when Jesus transfigured, it says His clothes became radiant and His face shone like the sun. 
     I try to imagine my own transfiguration. I imagine me taking my three closest friends atop a mountain and allow that bright light hit me the same way it hit Jesus. Though instead, that light wouldn't be radiating from me but from behind me.
     I would look down at my body, my arms limp like a scarecrow, staring at the light that shines through the cracks from my damaged layers. I'd look down and see the parts of me that have broken and my friends see them, too, filled with the light.
     How freeing it must be to show someone your naked soul and let them in to fill those cracks. I've formed those relationships and every encounter of that friendship feels like rain to me. All of our shells have been broken, rain is soothing, but it's never silent. If you have yet to feel that rain, through friendships or through the weather, fill those cracks with rain until they're overflowing.

The sun shines through the cracks of my silhouette

Leaving mystery to outsiders to memories I'll never forget

Those cracks become open wounds become scars that never truly heal

And as the clouds cover the sun's light

It's easier to hide my broken exterior from watching eyes

All those fake faces imprisoned in clear prisms around me

My body screams for the truth to be set free

Free

The naked soles of my feet feeling the warm pavement beneath me

In the pouring rain, I've never felt so free

Dressed only in raindrops, soaking clothes and vulnerability

My arms open wide and my face to the sky

I look up at the water that will inevitably fall on me

And wait for those droplets that allow me to blossom where I've been planted

To allow my broken shell have its cracks filled by that holy water

I'll stand in this rain long enough for these cracks to overflow

Proverbs 31 is for dudes, too.

     This semester, I've been bombarded with marriage stuff. Every sermon, bible study, and quiet time seems to have something to do with submission, but instead of speaking my not-so-gracious opinion, I figured God has something to tell me so I better listen up.
     In 6 weeks, I'll be in a foreign country with only 3 familiar faces for the next 6 weeks. From the very start of this adventure, God made it very clear to me that I was going to have little say in any big plans. I know what a lot of you are thinking, what a breeze! I've always done so well with keeping my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. Although I do such a good job of wearing that façade, it is unbelievably hard for me to shut up and let other people do things their way. Since we decided on Peru in November, I've had to submit and trust these girls that what God told them was the right thing. Any time I came to God with concerns, it was almost as if He had His receptionist forward me to Logan, Samantha or Courtney.
     I have the hugest struggle with submission and I always figured it was God's way of telling me I'm just not cut out for marriage. That was just who I was and God was going to work around my imperfections to sanctify me in other ways. This is such faulty theology, because God doesn't desire what I've settled for, He wants what is absolutely best for me and that's not staying cynically cold-hearted about everything, that's refining me by His fire and perfecting me through His grace and love.
     While learning how to submit to The Lord and preparing myself for future submission, of course Proverbs 31 has crossed my path. I used to hate Proverbs 31, make fun of it even. Who cares what kind of woman I'm supposed to be, it's too mainstream anyways and I don't want to live the Christian version of Stepford Wives and just be like every other submissive woman. Guys, I'm not kidding when I say God saved me from my cynical, cold-heart; I was a real jerk, still kind of am, just ask anyone who really likes me.
     Anyways, the more that I read Proverbs 31, the more I realize that this isn't the woman God's calling me to be in the future, it's the like of what God has set aside for me right now.
     For women, Proverbs 31 isn't a checklist, it's the characteristics that are uncompromisingly inheritable from spending time with Him. For men, I think it's a great reminder of what kind of women they should be pursuing. She dresses herself in strength (Proverbs 31:17), she opens her hand to the poor (Proverbs 31:20), she laughs at the time to come (Proverbs 31:26), she fears The Lord (Proverbs 31:30). With all that society throws at us, telling us what the perfect women is, it's important for all of God's children to hide in their heart the truths of what beautiful really is.

My sins killed Jesus.

     With the grass finally green again, shorts permissible and the scent of dogwood trees contorting everyone's face, it's safe to say spring is here. Spring brings with it a lot of happiness, a lot of hope. In my theatre class we are learning about how productions may use the season to reflect the mood of the play or musical. Winter: harsh and bitter, autumn: dying or decay, summer: life and warmth, and spring: revival and new life. In spring, we have the flowers blossom, the sun come out, the breeze swell in. With spring, we see the physicality of resurrection, with spring, we feel Easter.
     The other night, I was addressed with the question, do I follow Jesus because it's good or because it's true. I've never thought of it that way. I mean, of course I believe what Jesus taught and I put my faith in that truth, but how often do I respond when faced with the "why Jesus" do I answer, "because it's true."
     I've recognized the fact that Jesus lived. I've read the gospels and along with the twelve I've scratched my head in confusion when He compared us to mustard seeds or whatever. I've marveled with the wise men over the awaited Messiah and bowed down at His miraculous birth. I've tried to experience a fraction of His entire life purpose, dying on the cross for my sins, and even though my heart can't hold that much pain, I'm given a glimpse of the sacrifice Jesus made on my behalf.
     On my own, I'm hopeless. I'm sinful and in need of rescuing. And Jesus saves and He loved me so much to pay for all of it by giving up His own life in replace of mine. The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23), so somebody had to die, but instead of me, Jesus took my place.
     I think too often, I stop there. I recognize Jesus' birth and life and death and just sit in that. I stop and remember that my sins, the bearing of all of our sins, killed Jesus. His entire life purpose was to become obedient to death on a cross as the final sacrifice for our sins and we killed Him. But if Jesus died and that was it, the bible would end there. If Jesus died for our sins and stayed dead, that would've been a nice gesture, but this Messiah guy would've been just another lamb.
     Another aspect I was introduced to the other day was the disciples. When Jesus was busy being dead for those 3 days, what were they thinking? The awaited Messiah was killed by human hands. I think too often we live in our dead sins, feeling like the disciples did those 3 days. The price was paid, it needed to be paid, but what now? That's all true and stuff, but if Jesus died and stayed dead, it sounds to me like sin had won.
     But Jesus didn't stay dead. Jesus rose up 3 days after. My sins killed Jesus, but His raising from the dead means that I don't have to stay dead in my sins either, Jesus conquered them. I will boast in the cross, but even more I will boast in His resurrection. I follow Jesus because He lives and that's true. Death has no dominion over me, I am free and He is truth.

To Be Set Free

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:10)

     Through the cross, we have been given freedom. Sin has no dominion over us and there is no bondage to death any longer. Through the cross, God has shown us mercy and grace; we have experienced the sweetest of love. Jesus died for our lies, addictions, envy. Because Jesus died on the cross, we are now able to experience His intended freedom for our lives.
     When I accepted Christ, I had tons of junk in my life, I still do, and the most comforting knowledge of the gospel for me was that I didn't have to clean myself up for Him. He wanted me in the damaged condition I was in right at that moment. Years since then, I'm still damaged. There's still parts of my life God is chiseling away to create me into the masterpiece he planned for me long ago, but I must allow that chiseling.
     When I accepted Christ and began my walk with the Lord, I did it because of the perks I heard on my end, to be accepted and holy and blameless. As I find myself being continuously chiseled into God's masterpiece, I sometimes see myself hiding certain sins. If being holy means giving up that sin, I can wait, I kind of like living in that part of the world. But as it turns out, if we're not running towards God, we're running away from Him. One of the perks of following Christ is being made new. When we're brought to God in our sin, we're just a block of stone.
      Michelangelo was an Italian artist during the Renaissance. One of his most notable works was David, a 17-foot tall, 6-ton statue that took him three years to complete.
     Michelangelo is quoted, saying something like, "I saw the angel in the block of marble and carved until I set him free." And when he was asked how he made the statue of David, he said, "It is easy. You just chip away the stone that doesn't look like David."
     For we are God's masterpiece. We are the David to His Michelangelo, and when God sees us in the block of stone, He sees the masterpiece He planned long ago that He desires to set free.

I should've listened to Kerri Welch

     This weekend I went back home. I knew it was a risk with the supposed winter storm coming our way, but I knew this would be my last time home until Easter, so I figured I better swing by. All week I've been thinking about what the weather was going to be like from Springfield to Blue Springs on Friday and from Blue Springs to Springfield on Sunday. Friday was fine, but when it came for me to leave on Sunday, I can't say the same.
     After church my family went to lunch where he told me he would not allow me to drive back to school today. I assured him I'd be fine and I have to get back for class tomorrow, I have a huge test and I need to be prepared. He did the same thing he always does when I'm about to leave home; check my oil, fill my gas, clean my windows, and disappear with my car the last 30 minutes I'm home. I have no idea where he goes during that time, I think it's just a ploy to get me to stay longer.
     Anyway, I get ready to leave Blue Springs and the roads are fine. I make it through Lee's Summit and Harrisonville perfectly and start my journey on 13 Highway. This stretch of my trip is 2 hours. That's my first checkpoint. I know once I get on 13, I'll only need to make two more turns before I'm in my driveway back in Springfield.
     Once I get on 13, my next checkpoint is Clinton. When I make it to Clinton, I know I'm halfway there, just an hour and a half more. Somewhere between Harrisonville and Clinton, the roads get bad. I have to reduce my normally 65 mph speed to about 30. During this time, I'm leading a pack of about 5 cars, including a semi truck. The roads rough and I know I'm driving on sheets of ice, but I think I'm safe because I'm still driving under 45. All of a sudden, my wheel turns left after I direct it right. Then right when I'm turning left. I turn my head around into the direction I should be going and I end up in a ditch.
     Now, the last time I was in a car accident, I grounded myself for 3 months from driving and sat in Kerri Welch's living room while she played counselor to me until I was able to talk about my last experience behind the wheel. All of those feelings were coming back, but this time, I didn't have the option to call someone and pick me up, I have 2 hours from either direction to a familiar face.
I start to ask myself where I'm even going.
     Stuck in the ditch, I drive my way out and proceed the next 100 miles with my sweaty palms slipping from "10 and 2" and my seatbelt on and my drivers seat reclined up to a 90 degree angle. All the cars I was leading are now ahead of me.
     At this point, I'm starting to question my trip. I only have one class tomorrow, I could've skipped, this drive is awful and I'm starting to feel queasy. My stomach was in knots and this road was lonely. About 30 minutes later, I make it to Clinton, another checkpoint. I'm halfway there. Another 30 minutes pass and I get a phone call from my roommates. They exclaim we don't have class tomorrow. I hang up the phone and wonder, what's even the point of this trip?

     Enter through the narrow gate for wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction and many enter through it, but small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life and only few find it (Matthew 7:13&14).

     This trip was no longer a means to class, it was a trip towards home. I redirected my focus, put my blinders on and only looked at the road right ahead of me. There were times I had to follow the cars ahead of me. I slowed to their speed, I stayed in their lane, but when they exited the highway, I was back to my time alone.
     There is one more checkpoint in my trip, it's these crappy lawyer billboards that tell me I'm 5 miles away from Springfield's city limits. The road from Clinton to these billboards weren't much easier, but each mile got me closer to my apartment in Springfield. I came over a hill and saw the billboard of that lawyer shaking hands with some elderly couple and knew I was that much closer. You couldn't believe the peace I experienced when I saw that.
     Sometimes, we have to fall in a ditch to get redirected, sometimes we have to follow people ahead of us. Sometimes, we have to slow down, take a breath and reevaluate our destination.

What Comes with Boldness, James 5

     There have been times in my life that I’ve viewed those not living for Christ’s lives more alluring. I’ve looked at their careless, thoughtless actions in envy. They have the power to go out and do things my convictions won’t allow. James 5 opens up and addresses my erroneous assumptions in verses 1 through 6.
     James addresses these verses to the rich, nonbelieving who were known to persecute the economically hurting Christ followers of this time. “Your gold and silver have corroded, and their corrosion will be evidence against you and will eat your flesh like fire” (James 5:3). “You have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter” (James 5:5).  These verses remind me of the emptiness of those who are not following Christ. The lies they’re being told and the lies that fool me, too. Those careless, thoughtless actions hold no worth in comparison to the freedom I reside in with knowing Christ. Luckily, knowing Christ has no exclusivity, and I pray that those of you who are wrestling with those uncertainties have the courage to seek answers Christ has to offer.
     These next verses are addressed to believers, saying patience is a must with steadfastness, with unwavering determination. James reminds us of Job. For those of you who haven’t read the book of Job, I highly consider it. If you think you have it rough, check what God put this guy through to prove his unwavering determination to The Lord. And with this faith, let us be faithful in our prayer. Some of my favorite prayers are in Ephesians.
     “I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him, having the eyes of your heart enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which He has call you, what are the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints” (Ephesians 1:16-18)
     “For his reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:14-19).
     What Paul is praying about in both of those prayers are his fellow believers in Ephesus. In the first prayer, he prays that we may have a spirit of wisdom, the eyes of your heart enlightened, and to know the hope to what God has called you to. This seems plausible that Paul would want us to strive. Now, in the second prayer, what Paul is basically praying for his fellow believers is that we can experience God in a way that is plainly impossible. Paul is praying that we may comprehend God’s love, which is incomprehensible. What’s the point? You can measure your faith by the boldness of your prayers. Paul isn’t praying for cupcakes, he’s praying for the impossible, which with God is nothing but.
     James 5:17 talks about Elijah and his bold prayers. It says Elijah prayed so passionately for drought and it didn’t rain anywhere on the earth for 3 and a half year. In verse 18 it says he prayed again and heaven gave rain. Elijah had the confidence in God that He would provide. I want to have the steadfastness of Job and the boldness of Elijah.
     Like every book in the bible, James gives us guidance on how to live our lives. Explore what God has for you to see and be steadfast as you chase after it.

Our Selfish God, James 4

     I know the book of James is kind of mean, but I think that’s why I like it so much. It reminds me that I’m no one special, which is good for me. I sometimes think of myself like St. Louis fans think of the Cardinals. Like I’m the best thing to come to the Midwest since peanut butter and people actually care to listen to my fandom on an hourly basis. Pride: can be good for sports teams (even if they are the Cardinals), but no good for my humility in Christ.
     James 4 opens up by saying, essentially, we’re doing it wrong. James addresses our desires and passions that don’t line up with God’s Will for us, yet we still chase them and find trouble in doing so.
    “You wouldn’t think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you’d be asking for what you have no right to. You’re spoiled children, each wanting your own way. You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way.” James 4:2-4, The Message). Verse 5 jumps in and reminds us of the scripture that says “He yearns jealously over the spirit that He has made dwell in us.” God is jealous for me.
     I remember when I first became a Christian, thinking God was the most selfish…“thing” for asking us to worship and please Him with our lives. This God is asking me to devout my life to whatever He wants me to do. It was mentioned to me, referenced by an author I cannot remember now, that God, being the most important Being, has every right to be selfish. When you’re the creator of the universe and all other universes, being the center of all everything, you have to be selfish. God desires us to desire Him, because he is, period. If God is who we claim He is, He is the most significant belief and being accepted by Him should be the most yearning part of our lives.
     Now, think of it that way. The center of all universes is jealous for your undivided attention. He doesn’t want to share you with sin or your selfish ambitions; He desires to make you new in His image. As a Christian, we are no longer sinners saved by Jesus; we are the righteousness of God. We can’t identify with the sin that used to be a part of us, that part died when we accepted the new clothing Christ’s blood offers us.
     I read James a lot when I first started following Christ; it is one of the most clear instruction manuals I found on how to live. One of the verses that stuck out to me while reading James this time around was the last one, verse 17. “So whoever knows the right thing and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” I think, sometimes, we think we have to have all of our stuff together when we draw near to God. I think, sometimes, we think we have time to wait until later to submit to God, because right now is just too fun and “I’ll have to quit living the way I do” if we follow God right now. God wants us just the way we are. Christ isn’t only accepting to those who have it all together, no one has it all together, but through a relationship with Him, we’ll change to see the light. With spiritual growth comes spiritual maturity and the more time we spend with God the more we should be changing. With that being said, this verse also reminds us that have been Christians for a while we don’t have an excuse to sin. We know better and with that we should resist the devil and wash our hands and purify our hearts by drawing near to God (James 4:7&8). Spend some time with God and wrestle where your submission is yielded.

For the Love of Humanity, James 3

     "Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly. Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire." (James 3:1-5).
     While discovering my spiritual gifts, James 3 has convicted me a lot. Exhortation is something God has woven into my identity. He has called me to urge and encourage people by the way I live, the way I speak goes under that as well. I don't think it's only important to those specifically gifted to exhort, but to all believers.
     A couple weeks ago, I was around a group of teenage Christians, who spoke to one another that was in no way pure, lovely, just, worthy of praise, or honorable. They said things that offended me. Calling each other names like, fag, telling each other to go kill themselves or commenting on their  skinny, anorexic body. Even passively condemning others on the other end by saying things like, "Are you really going to eat another piece of cake?"
     LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, let me say this loud and clear: you have no idea what kind battles people are facing. This is partly because we live in a culture that teaches us we shouldn't be vulnerable, because vulnerability shows weakness, and weakness is for girls, which also ticks me off, but I don't have enough time for that, too. You may not know someone's back story and even if you do that doesn't mean you should just avoid those topics when talking to them, you should steer clear of them with everyone. I have a friend who has a past with anorexia and I have felt the awkwardness from the what seems like harmless jokes other people make in her presence. Even when she's not around it makes me uncomfortable. Your words can not only hurt those around you, but they disrespect yourself. They show more of what you think of yourself than the rest of humanity. It does not only harden your heart, but it destroys your credibility as a follower of Christ. As Christians, do you not understand we have a higher calling? People don't hate Christ, they hate who we've made Him out to be. So, make your words and make your actions true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise. That's not an Alyssa Hicks Checklist, that's a Philippians 4:8 Checklist and I ask you to write that on your hearts and recognize, truly enlighten yourselves on the way you speak. Talking less of others isn't going to make you better, being negative won't change the way you see yourself, but it just may ruin how someone sees themselves.
     If you're not living by Philippians 4:8, I'm not going to give you a 1-800 number to call, I'm simply going to challenge you to dig up the sin under the sin. Ask yourself why you speak the way you do, because you can be funny without crushing others in the process; trust me, I'm hilarious. What in your heart needs to be refined to make you fully satisfied in who Christ has created you to be? And with this, you'll gain wisdom. OMG, how ironic.
     Which brings be to the second half of James 2, where it's all about the wisdom. Wisdom is to be proclaimed humbly and wisdom from above produces peace. Verses 17 and 18 state, "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." How are you pursuing God's wisdom? How can you pursue God's wisdom in your talk? Take a moment and allow yourself to be transformed, there's nothing special about averageness.

Contentment v. Settling, James 2

     As I continue to read through James, I'm reminded that the only way I'll be made complete, lacking in nothing is to walk by faith and submit. Submission seems scary. I'm awful with commitment, it just freaks me out. From dating to jobs to gym memberships, when I hear the word commitment, I've been known to literally run the other direction. Submission is not only asking commitment out of me, but obedience. I'm a free bird, yet for some reason, I think God doesn't understand that. If He did, he wouldn't ask for me to be patient. He created in me that desire for spontaneity, yet in my submission, in my obedience, I will gain freedom. Following Christ is more about saying yes than no. That's where I start with James 2.
     This first part of James 2, verses 1 through 13, is entitled "The Sin of Partiality." A lot of the time, I write off these verses by my own interests. It's not that I'm showing partiality, it's that I don't have anything in common with those people, so I don't associate with them. When I see someone sitting alone, even at a Christian event, I'll just wait for someone else to take care of it. In all actuality, what I'm doing is missing one of the many opportunities I've prayed for to serve like Christ.
     When most people think of Christianity, they think of all the things Christians have to say "no" to. No drinking, no smoking, no swimming until 30 minutes after eating. In reality, God has a much better plan for us. To renew our minds and make us more like Christ, to say "yes" to His will. Setting apart others in our thoughts is closing a door God has opened for us. If we have faith, but don't act on it, what's the point?
     The second part of James 2 calls us out of our shells and out on the water. By faith we are saved, but by works we are justified. "Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful? That’s just great. Demons do that, but what good does it do them? Use your heads! Do you suppose for a minute that you can cut faith and works in two and not end up with a corpse on your hands?" (James 2:19&20 Message).
     While reading this, I tried to think of the areas in my life where I just let my faith live. The areas that I support and have hope in, but I keep my hands out of, hoping the next Christian who walks by steps in. Where does God want all of me and how can I change my settled heart to truly desire Him?
     Don't write off your sinful nature as untouchable to God. I think, a lot of times we just settle because, "it's how I've always been," but change is good.
     If I were to stand in front of a room of people and say, "I've always been a rude, prideful jerk who only cares about herself. That's just who I am, that's who God's created me to be." There would be no applause for me, no one happy that I am embracing this essence of worldliness. "Oh, that's so great Alyssa can embrace she's such an arrogant jerk, I'm so happy for her!" No, people would look at me apathy in their eyes and would want me to change, they'd want better for me. Loving God with all your heart, mind and soul shouldn't look the same as it did the first day you accepted Him. After spending time with God, in His Word and praying, you cannot leave the same. God desires to change us to look more like Christ, but we must submit to be changed. We must be changed to immerge in freedom.

Shadows of Darkness, James 1

     The book of James is one of my favorite books of the New Testament. As I read through it this time around, I thought I'd share my thoughts and what sticks out to me during this season of my life. Everyday until Friday, I'll walk through each chapter of James and dwell on what God has shown me. I welcome your thoughts, as well. I'd love to hear what God spoke to you while reading. Well, here it goes:
     I've hung out with a lot of different Jesus's in my walk. I've been with the One who died on the cross, whom I've sat in front of humble. I've had lunch with the One who gave the Sermon on the Mount, who spoke in metaphor, gave me life lessons and confused me while still preparing a way for me later on. I've hung out with the One who heals, delivers signs, walks on water. Though, lately, I've spent a lot of time with the Jesus who came into the temple and knocked over tables. The Jesus who spoke truth to the people in the church selling animals for sacrifice (Matthew 21:12-17).
     I've been reading through James, and I feel like the table-flipping Jesus is the one who walks me through this book. It seems that most of the time God tries to get my attention, it's in that way. I ask for big signs, grand gestures and God provides, let me tell ya. While reading the first chapter, I was reminded of my faith, or lack their of at times. "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness" (v. 2&3). Steadfastness:  adj. resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering. Resolutely: adv. showing firm determination or purpose.When trouble comes your way be joyous, for when your faith is tested it produces an unwavering determination.
     Most of the time, when I face trouble, the first thing that comes to my mind isn't joy, it's usually not even God. It's self-loathing and fleeing and anger and self-loathing and no part of me is happy I'm facing this junk. James isn't telling us to be happy because of trouble, he's telling us our strong faith produces an unwavering determination and with that we should be joyful. Our prayer life shouldn't be asking God to make things easy, no one is compelled by a life full of cupcakes, trials are a blessing. Trials are God's time to shine.
     "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls" (v. 19-21). The first time I heard these verses, I thought I was being told every Christian should be pushovers who are soft-spoken and get their lunch money taken. What James is really telling us is that we can't play God. Let me say that again, when we allow our anger to take over, our anger that is not God's righteous anger, we're playing God. Romans 12:19 makes it clear by saying, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'" It's God's job to defend us, that doesn't make us pansies, that makes all the more victorious.
     I was reading an article last week about David Wise, the US gold medalist for freestyle skiing. A 23-years-old Christian who is married with a daughter and the news referred to his adult life as an alternative lifestyle. I read it and loved the sound of that. We as Christians are not of the world, the bible makes that clear. We're called out of darkness into light, to look different, even in our anger.
     James 1 ends with my summarized version of verses 22-27: "if you are only a hearer of the word and not a doer it's like you look into a mirror, see your face and then two minutes later don't recognize yourself. v. 25--But if you look into the perfect law, the law of liberty and persevere, not only hearing but doing, you will be blessed in your doing. v. 26--If you think you're religious, but you sound like a sailor driving down the highway in a semi-truck reading lines from the movie Good Fellas, you're religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God looks like visiting the orphans and widows. It looks like David Wise who is 23 and not indulging in the "perks" of having a gold medal."
     If we look pure and undefiled to only people watching, God still gets glory, but you're the same piece of sinful junk as you were yesterday, live in the light, even in your language, which I'll be talking much more about in the upcoming days. We should look different from the world, because shadows always follow.

     Let me leave on a positive note and say this: God loves our junk. He wants to better us, but for Him to do that we have to show Him the molded parts in our life before we're brought to life. God makes our junk look good. So, as I continue through James, I want this picture to stand out to you.

I'm just a sinner whose pile of junk only builds daily. But God makes beauty out of that, He builds and makes new constantly. God wants every aspect of us, submit and be transformed.

Yeah, yeah, God's comfort.

     God's asked a lot out of me lately. At least it feels that way. Maybe it's rooted in laziness, maybe He has something that fits right in line with my gifts, or maybe He's just asking a lot out of me right now. May I even go as far and select D) all of the above, who knows? What I do know is that I've really felt moved to create an identity statement for myself. Find points in scripture that line up with my gifts, people in scripture that I relate with and passions of mine that I can honor God with. As I've wrestled to discover who God is, who I am and why I even exist, this whole God-thing has gotten tremendously more complex. Don't laugh at me, but for a minute there, I thought I had this figured out.
     While I try to discover who I am according to scripture, I look at the importance of even creating an identity statement. Gateway, my church back home, has always emphasized on them and Jesus had all kinds of "I AM" statements, I want one! I decided to seek some council in this area. I went home last weekend and was able to meet with someone who has a firm identity statement and feed off of how she got started. She walked me through the steps she was walked through. What are my spiritual gifts, who do I relate to in scripture? Having an identity statement is a reminder of what God has called you to. When opportunities arise, you can easily decipher whether God would call you to it or not. I was reminded that I didn't only need to know myself, but I need to know God (this was after that minute I thought I had it all figured out).
     Too often I limit God to my own experience with Him. Too often, I assume that God can only save people from circumstances that are of equal or lesser value than the ones He saved me from. But even there I'm only talking about one aspect of Him, there are so many other facets I haven't even looked at.
     It's been three months since my pastor Joey Butler passed away. The other day I was in the car listening to 10,000 Reasons, one of Joey's favorite songs, and I found myself overwhelmed with grief. I was upset because I was reminded that I wasn't going to see Joey when I went home, he wasn't going to be there and he won't ever be there again. Mostly, I was upset because only three months had passed by and I had forgotten, if even for a moment, that he had died. Trying to hold up those emotions, I tried to redirect my thoughts. The feeling of distance I felt from Joey at that moment was the same distance I remember feeling from God when I wasn't following Him. It was right then when God told me I'll never have to feel that way about Him. God will never leave me, He will always be at home when I get there, in class, my car or at Target. I was shown a facet of God I tend to flee from: His comfort.
     Everyday I choose to be more like Christ and everyday I die to myself in the process. It's radically healing. I've realized the power that lives within me and the tools God has equipped me with according to the grace that has been given to me (Romans 12:6a). God has called me to speak truth and exhortation. I have been called as an ambassador for Christ (1 Thess. 5:9) who is being transformed (2 Cor. 3:18) through God’s grace. I am called to Jesus Christ (Rom 9:24), chosen of
God (Col. 3:15), confident (Phil 1:6) and worthy of that calling.

     God has pulled me out of and continues to pull me out of the junk in my life. He has turned my crummy conditions into something beautiful. All of us have a story and God has set aside a plan for your life, not despite of those things, but because of them. The King of the universe desires to know you, desires to comfort you; figure out who He is and find yourself in the process.