Is following God holding me back?

     I've been sitting here staring at this blog post for quite literally 2 hours. I hate using the word "literally," so know I'm not exaggerating. I went back to working on a blog I started over break about not loving God enough, but my heart wasn't in it.
     Last week, I was sitting in my apartment, avoiding my homework and writing. I've been on a binge lately, just writing and writing more. I had another contemplation of changing my major. I want to write, but changing my major isn't going to make me a better writer, writing will, reading books will, experience will. I want to continue with my short stories, but my short stories have nothing to do with God. I started freaking out and did exactly what I wasn't supposed to do: I contacted people for advice when I should've just turned to God.
     "Alyssa, that would be great. There is such a need for Christian fiction nowadays."
    "Well, I mean, you can talk about God without mentioning Him, can't you?"
     What; no, that's not what I was saying. Of course I could, but my hearts not there. I don't desire to write about someone's walk with God, at least not yet, or tie-in some Jesus at the end of my stories. I want to write about bus drivers, and baseball games, and a girl waking up half sleep pouring a bowl of cereal. I want to write what comes out of my heart, and yes, sometimes that is God, but not all the time, I don't want to force it.
     It's almost as if I've departmentalized my writings. My brain can't create a short story about God, but my poetry can't do the contrary. I was trying to flip roles, because I think my stories were too worldly and my poetry is too spiritual. Either way, I feel like my writings would freak people out.
     This past weekend I tried to sit down and write, but instead I got caught up in reading. Reading over my old work and looking through another lens of others' pieces and I got upset. I was upset, because I sat there reading some of this wonderful, thought-provoking work and none of it had anything to do with God. Not upset, because God wasn't in it, but I upset because I felt like I had to put Him in it.
     Last weekend, I sat there wondering if my writing would ever amount to anything. I'll probably never struggle with a drinking problem, I already know how to handle depression, and my life will most likely not end in a suicide. Most of the greats suffered from one, if not all, of those issues, and I called on God and asked, "Is following You going to hold me back from becoming great?"
     Of course it will. The answer smacked me in the face in this same session of staring at this screen. Yes, of course. Jesus says, if you want to become great, you must become a servant (Mark 10:43). He says, "Alyssa your desires don't matter, for if you spend enough time with Me, Mine will become yours." And then I sat there thinking, well, what about those short stories? I don't mention You in any of them, is that glorifying to You? And God reminded me, "You are my creation. Apart from me, You can do nothing."
     I remember Joey talking one time, about how God shouldn't merely be on our lips, He should be shown through our actions. That is my problem. I am putting God in this box, saying if it isn't for me to say "All Glory be to God," people won't take that away, when instead God reminds me, I'm just one small domino in just a few persons' walks, I'm not big enough to unravel His plans. I'm not important enough to be the deciding factor of how God's glory is portrayed and He is not small enough to be outshone by my word choices. Maybe I'm too open and honest, but none of our hearts deserve to be heavy with the weight of those secrets that allow the devil to use them against us.
     God reminds me, whether I choose to be a CEO, a project manager, advertising consultant, or a writer, He knows how the story will end and His light will ooze out of me as long as I allow it.

Romans 11:18 "do not become arrogant toward the branches. If you are, remember it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you."

1 Peter 4:10-11 "Based on the gift each one has received, use it to serve others, as good managers of the varied grace of God. If anyone speaks, it should be as one who speaks God's words; if anyone serves, it should be from the strength God provides, so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ in everything. . ."

"Who hindered you from obeying the truth?"

     Love your neighbor as yourself. We've all heard this. Even if we didn't grow up in a Christian home you know this. Mother's were oh-so persistent in reminding us to treat others the way we want to be treated. So, growing up, we were forced to share toys and use pleasant words. Some of us even twisted our parents' own words against them and reminded them during our punishments, they were not practicing what they were preaching. Then, some of us realized the difference between loving our neighbors and treating others fairly.
     However, at some point in our adolescent years, we lost sight of either saying and didn't always love our neighbor. Now, in my 20s, I've become more like my parents and have become frustrated with those who do not love their neighbors as themselves. I hear those talk disrespectfully to store associates when they don't get the answer they want, I pick up trash from those who throw it out near our driveway, I watch insincere interactions between a prideful being and an insecure one. I become angry with those who claim to be a Christ follower, who claim to bear their cross, but forget that the whole law is fulfilled in this one thing:

Love your neighbor as yourself.

     This month back home has been a hard one for me. For whatever reason, God has put obstacles in my life that I haven't had in quite sometime. I've allowed others' voices speak louder to me than His, I have doubted His plans for me and doubted the work He has invested in me. I've let insecurities, selfishness and pride cloud my thoughts while idly watching God pound His fists on the walls of the box that I've put Him in. But during this entire time, I was still loving my neighbor as myself.
      I was speaking disrespectfully, halfheartedly investing, insincerely interacting with others, I was loving my neighbor as myself, and that was the problem.
     I wasn't loving myself as God does. I think that's a lot of our problem. I don't think people intentionally not-love their neighbors, I think people accidently not-love themselves. I know God loves me, but being told that since Awana wasn't the key to success. I had to remind myself, I had to humble myself, and allow God to remind me how He loves me, how He loves others and how I need to love those others as well.
     To God, I am:
a new man created in righteousness (Eph. 4:12)
Not my own (1 Cor 6:19)
An obedient child (1 Peter 1:14)
Precious (Isaiah 43:4)
Pure (Matt 5:8)
Triumphant in Christ (2 Cor 2:14)
Healed (Isaiah 53:4-5)
Humbled (James 4:10)
Justified (Romans 5:9)
Known by God (Gal 4:9)
Loved
     God cares for me, and in return I need to care for others. Before you check "Loving your neighbor" off your Christian to-do list today, read Galatians 5:1-15 and continually seek God about who you are to Him. For the whole law can be fulfilled in this one thing.