Listen here..

So to anybody who knows me in the least bit will be surprised when I state I participated in Missouri State's Sorority life recruitment. Yes, hold your laughter, but I thought it would be a great way to meet new people and make friends or fimiliar faces. If I felt God telling me to join a sisterhood on campus I would do what he was calling me to do, no matter how much I despised it.
Day 1 was split into two days and consisted of going to all six sorority houses and basically speed-dating individual girls to see if you clicked with them; every sorority girl swore the connection they have with a sorority sister is instant and deeper beyond explanation, but a majority of the time I felt like I was almost cheating on my best friends back home. We toured their houses and got a feel of what we were looking for in a sorority. Initially, there were houses right off I knew God wasn't calling me to, in fact He was calling me to run into the opposite direction. At the end of Day 1 we had to choose our top four houses. On Saturday, Day 2, we went back to our top four houses, providing that they wanted us back, and again, I wasn't feeling like God was speaking to me either way or clear enough to drop and with only one day left I felt like it wouldn't hurt to check out these houses a little deeper. At the end of Day 2 we would eliminate two more houses, leaving only two houses in the running to call our home, being that the next day was our last, I still had time to discern what God wanted me to do. So I went to Day 3.
Throughout my experience I'd asked multiple people to be praying for my decision to be the right one. A group of 100 plus girls sit in a room waiting to be called to make their vote of their favorite home and second best. A home of girls, sisters, that would have their back throughout their lifetime, not just their four years on campus. I walked into the big scary, closed-off decision room and sat next to a girl at a computer who was there to help me make my decsion in a salmon colored t-shirt, the MSU sign they were a sorority girl. It was then when I heard God's voice, the one that I had been pushing away to see all my options before my decsion but it couldn't be quieted any longer. God didn't want me there, I wasn't supposed to call these girls my sisters for life. Part of me was debating if I should just stick it out for the free t-shirt we got from the sorority that chose us on the following bid day but I knew I wasn't supposed to. I had silenced what God had been trying to tell me since the beginning that this wasn't where He wanted me. How hard it was for me to muster up the courage to tell this sorority girl I didn't want a part of her lifestyle, not because it wasn't of God, but becuase it wasn't of God's plan for me. In their sorority these girls have found their sisters for life, who they're supposed to be and gained a confidence in that. I already knew who I was or am becoming, and my sisters for life are my sisters in Christ. So I left, after telling a girl I wasn't supposed to be here I walked out upset I hurt her feelings but estatic I knew I made the decision God wanted me to.
*Later that same night* I was on Facebook when I remembered my friend from Mizzou said her friend from Mizzou has a friend at Missouri State that's struggling to find Christian girls to hang out with. I found out her name and added her as a friend. She knew who I was (or at least I was a friend of a friend's friend) and almost seemed relieved that I had added her for immediately she messaged me. Right then I knew that my sisterhood wasn't found within a chapter but in Christ. And as I go meet Chelsey now for coffee I know that my journey is right on track with His plan.

This Little Light Of Mine

Today my roommate and I attended church on our first Sunday at Missouri State University :) After signing up with some campus ministries we had both been recieving texts about certain churches to check out. As we drove through looking for the "contemporary college church" we ended up at a Methodist church. Right off the bat it was obvious that it wasn't the church we recieved the texts about for we were the youngest people there by a good 40 years. Immediately we were mobbed by old person after old person introducing themselves to us. Showing us pictures of their college-student-grandchilren and reminding us of the homemade sweet rolls in the kitchenette. I explained to my roommate that it wasn't too soon to ditch, we still had a bible study to sit through and the church service wasn't for another hour, but we decided to stay.
It wasn't until I was sitting in a pue in pants that weren't 100% cotton with presentably brushed hair that I realized I wasn't at Gateway. It would've been easy for me to close my mind off and think about what my little church was doing out in Blue Springs and how cool we are because we don't wear dry cleaned clothes or have stained glass windows. Then it hit me: the same God that was at Point 11 with me three weeks ago is the same God that is sitting in this pue with me. The same God that hangs out in Hall McCarter on Wednesday lives inside of these AARP members in the chapel here in Springfield. Not for a second have I felt away from home because I know that God is my home.
The pastor proceeded his message in about shining our light, that without the Holy Spirit there is no hope for light. He showed us a flashlight without batteries and obviously, the flashlight didn't work. No one wants a flashlight without batteries; it's useless; just as we are without the Holy Spirit. There is no point in living if we're not doing it for a reason, whatever that reason may be. I made my decision known how I want to live my life in November of 2006 at Woods Chapel Bible Fellowship when I was baptized and I wrote down on a banner "I'm all in" at camp in 2010 in Colorado and people know, people saw.
"Obviously, I am not trying to win the approval of people but of God, if pleasing people were my goal I would not be a servant of the Lord" BUT those people are visible reminders to my commitment and I'm not going to let some actual pants and brushed hair on Sunday mornings make me forget that. My race isn't over, there is no time for a break, I haven't won the prize so I continue to beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached I myself will not be disqualified.

"Finding" myself

Summer 2012 has been off to a great start; I haven't seen a morning before 10 AM and I've been able to find at least two good movies on Starz each day. Well, today I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 8 AM, EIGHT! I knew I would never wake up this early on my own so I made sure to open all the blinds in my room and set multiple alarms. As I peeled off the sheets and pried open my eyes this morning, I tried to hide from the taunting sun as I fell into some clothes and drove to Hall McCarter an hour early for church.

A good friend of mine wanted me to go to a bible study with her; I agreed to it. My first thought for this was that there are plenty of things I want to prepare myself for before I go into my freshman year of college. There's lots left for me to learn and I want to be well equipped. As we read through 2 Corinthians 5 I realized that I'm not going to college to "find" myself (2 Cor 5:4). So many people go into college waiting for other people to tell them who they are, God has already told me who I am, at least who I need to be now. I'm two steps ahead; it's not about becoming who God has created me to be, it's about making room for what else He has planned for me to be.

There are tons of people who go into college wondering who am I, who am I supposed to be, why doesn't that girl like me, where's the party at? And there are plenty of cheesy quotes Maria Shriver and Dr. Seuss can give you about that, but all of these questions are irrelevant, because He will tell you who you are (Isaiah 30:21) but you must be prepared. No one will be there with me holding my hand reminding me it's Wednesday and I have to be at TPX at 7, my mother won't be loud on Sunday mornings telling me to put on a clean shirt, no I will have to remember on my own to clothe myself in love, kindness, and patience, as well as a clean shirt. The future holds change and change can be scary, but it can also be a good thing, I don't know how different things will be this fall but I do know who I am and what I am living for, and when I don't know where I'm supposed to be there will always be that voice behind me assuring my left or right turn. 

Sorry for the wait.

I know it's been awhile but I guess I've just sort of given up on posting on here. Few, if any, read these posts so I told myself I didn't have to get online and post things, I'll write them down elsewhere. Well, I didn't. To be honest I started this for the accountability and it's much more helpful to me to speak to an empty room than whisper to myself, let's hope I can get on here more. I don't want to stop writing, I may even want a future in it, but as of now, I couldn't tell you what that future withholds. College is two months away and I don't know what God has prepared for me. All I know is I'm going out there ready and waiting for His call. I'll be patient until then.

The beginning of the end

Lately I've been saturated with the constant reminder that nothing lasts forever. My high school career is coming to a close, I'm moving to a new place, my best friends aren't going to be there for me so tangibly. Trust me, world, I was acquainted with this whole notion when my gameboy broke in third grade. Everything breaks, you can't depend on anything outliving you, nothing in this world is going to make it out alive. And I'm okay with that.
In elementary school I can recall breaking a pair of jelly sandals that were clear with sparkles and had a heel filled with colored, plastic sea creatures swimming around in the water-like substance. I went through three pairs of those that summer. By the second pair I was reminded that they were cheap, but I could just buy another pair and remain stylish until school rolls back around. Eventually the blisters on my feet and the sore ankles I received from having twisting them so many times finally got to me and I stuck my toes into a pair of Sketchers for the remainder of that August.
All I ever wanted was to be able to wear those sparkly, jelly shoes, and for awhile I got away with it, until the ice baths and permanent dirt lines became too much for me. I had to simplify and do something that was totally socially unacceptable at that time--heck, at this time! Those Sketchers were hideous, but they outwore that summer and bled into the next. They allowed me to jump higher and run faster. They weren't very cute but they were the shoes I felt most comfortable in. I just had to break my feet to realize what would be best for me.
We read in the bible, and hear in the news even, how Israel is repeatedly on God's bad side. They do something their own way and God has to dig them out of themselves and come save them. He breaks his legs to bring them back.
It's easy to examine a country and point out their flaws but I know I find myself doing the same thing. I try to do things my way and I ignore God the first time when He tells me no, this isn't the right way. I hear Him the second time but I continue wearing those adorable sparkly, jelly shoes; it's not until He breaks my legs and says I told you so when I actually listen to Him. I don't know what part of my humanity that keeps allowing this to happen but it's time for that to be chiseled out. If I'm constantly having to be reminded of God's will, His good, pleasing and perfect will for my life, I'm never going to be able to get anything done! So today, I surrender my adorable sparkly, jelly shoes and I'll wear those grotesque Sketchers until I'm mature enough to jump higher on my own.

The Parts of Speech

     I'm one of those people who corrects people when they use the wrong tense of words or grammar. I know, it's a curse and extremely annoying for me and everyone around me. I was on the phone with a friend the other day when she was telling me about her Friday night. She mentioned that something "kinda" happened and it wasn't "really" anything big but she "sorta" didn't know what to do. She never actually said what she had done but by her context clues I could take the hint.
     It's true that sin doesn't become real until you say it. So often we try to water-down our behavior by adding in words that don't even exist to make something that you did sound less terrible. Instead of admitting you stole a pack of gum from the store you might say you may have taken a stick of gum while walking out of Walmart. Oh, so that's not bad; you only sort of hit a guy with a knife, but he made you angry. That doesn't change the fact the man is now dead. Constantly, myself included, admit to things we have done only to subconsciously feel better about it to those around us who we know won't judge us too harshly for our actions but dare not say them around those who we know will unveil us for whom we truly are. I mess up, I make mistakes, and I'd hope I'm not the only one who can admit that. But all of that dirtiness is brought to the surface once we actually say it, but all of it is suddenly wiped away once we repent.
     That's the funny thing about sin, it doesn't matter how you say it or whom you admit that sin to, it's still real and unmistakably faulty if you don't clean that slate and start fresh by letting it go. You'll begin to be molded once you let go of who you are and allow who you're supposed to be take place.

Life Isn't A Diet.

     Today I woke up in second hour. My brain hadn't officially turned on until I walked into class partly because it's Friday and partly because well, it's Friday. I was ready to rush through my day when I heard that our student council was having senate exchange. Well the lights turned off in my second hour as a movie began and again I went back into sleep mode. While I was supposed to be watching the movie I remembered Camp Barnabas, for a large amount of the people I knew from Barnabas went to the school that had came over for this senate exchange. I ran through my thoughts as I remembered most of those barnstormers had graduated. Oh well. The lights turned on in second hour as the clip ended and I turned to my right and saw a familiar face, sort of. I knew this kid, he went to Barnabas with me. Suddenly all of my thoughts of my most life shattering moment came back. Camp Barnabas was one of the biggest impressions on my short life.
     So many of us try to treat our Christianity as a diet. Barnabas molded me in such a short time and helped shape who I am today. And I treated it like an intense workout on the path of my spiritual walk. Our walk with Christ is a lifestyle choice. Barnabas put me in the best spiritual shape I had been on in a long time and lasted longer throughout a lifestyle. As I left for second hour I thought, "I have to get back." I didn't know exactly where or what exactly I meant but I've been asking where God wants me this summer before I go off to college, and that's where. I have to go back.