English Paper

We had to write a life philosophy in my English class and this is the regurgitation of the assignment :)

     The smell of the sterile room was starting to get to me; with every inhale I anticipated my next exhale. A film began to cover my pupils as I slouched in the plastic-covered chair starring at the fragile life that had machines breathing for her. Noises around me were muffled as my mind struggled to comprehend what to expect. For the fourth time in a year’s span I found myself sitting in a hospital room where I had spent my last three holidays and birthday. The tasteless food and four cable channels became a norm to my family for as long as I could remember, but this year was different. My grandmother was always sick but she’d bounce soon enough; yet the lifeless body that lay in front of me now wasn’t the same woman that served me applesauce in a wine glass before Sunday night football. I drowned in the memories of my childhood when I suddenly realized: sometimes, things change, and they are never the same again.

     Change is a fear stricken concept for most, if not all, people and I am not the exception. I stand firm to the saying, “if it’s not broke don’t fix it”, yet I find my life going through more changes than most celebrities go through spouses. I think of things in a very realistic, present-term way; and most of my feelings towards life all trace back to change. My grandmother was one of the only people I could ever depend on; she was the epitome of everything wholesome and now that she was gone I didn’t see a point in looking for any good in the world, knowing it would be a lost cause anyways.

    To the spectators I may seem like a pessimistic, cynical, brutally honest person; but frankly, I just don’t get excitement in living in your dreams. I’m a person of action, I’m far from lovable, and I know fairytale endings are left on the silver screen after the credits role. After my grandmother passed I quit trusting people and did my best not to get too close to anyone. I knew that–even if it wasn’t intentional–they wouldn’t be there for me forever. Once the school year came to a close and June rolled around I had to get away from these artificial smiles. My grandmother always said, “If you’re bored: go help someone.” So I took her advice and spent a week in Purdy, Missouri.

     I went to a camp called Barnabas that is designed for children with disabilities to ensure they have a full summer-camp experience granted their situations. There I met Olga, an adopted Russian about my age whose motorized wheelchair she controlled with her only two fingers. Olga’s biological parent’s survived the Chernobyl disaster but as a result everything in them and on them was poisoned with radiation, thus was Olga. They gave her up for adoption and Olga spent her first years of life hungry and neglected in a metal crib. On the bottom bunk in her cabin she told me these stories through her teeth as she made bracelets for every camper, counselor, and cook there; with the embroidery string looped around her only big toe she held the loose string with her two fingers and pulled the knots tight with her teeth. Olga’s hard past carried her into a brighter day. She never forgot where she came from and counts her disabilities as a blessing because she’s able to share her light to other sorrowful souls. There I modified my view of happiness and was shown how important simplicity really is.

     Olga reminded me there still is some good in the world. This day, 3 years later, I can still look down at the colored strings tied around my left wrist and be reminded of the 14-year-old smile that dragged me out of myself and instilled all those morals my grandmother talked about. That pessimistic, cynical, brutally honest person is still apart of me but now she’s not hopeless. Unlike the majority I no longer have to live in my dreams, but I know I have the power to live them out. Change chases after us and attacks without warning but we have the choice to run with it or let the it smack us in the face like a frigid wind on our already cold cheeks. We have the choice to sit in that numbness or become a child to our new situations and absorb all of its experiences. I am strong, I am wise, I am realistic. I think I’ve lost just enough hope to grow up and kept just enough of my innocence to remain a child for as long as I choose.

I can't speak for the crowd, but as for me....

     Being a high school student, I'm continually reminded of the ignorant, shallow-minds of the majority of my peers. It's as if no one knows how to think for themselves; with all religion aside I think it's important to have a stance for something, ANYTHING. But that being said: there will always be a critic out there anticipating to jump on ones back at the first sign of a chance. I hate being categorized. There is so much more to me than what meets the eye–both good and bad–and so many people aren't willing to give it a second chance because of whom they've made up in their mind to be who I am. But when it comes down to it, you are what you do. If you're in band you're socially awkward, if you play football you cheat on every test, if you wrestle you must smoke, or if you dance you must be easy–and the list goes on. Stereotypes, even if they are true, have broken man's ability to make up their own mind thus becoming subconsciously judgmental of everyone. I try my best not to fall into this trend but as a human I find myself thinking less of people who don't have the same beliefs, morals, or insight that I do. And even more so to those who DO claim to have the same beliefs, morals, and insights that I do!

     No one is perfect, I have overlearned this concept eight too many times, but if you are going to claim to be something–than be it! If you claim to be an starting running back, score some touchdowns; if you speak of being extremely intelligent, let your grades speak for you, if you say you're a druggie, get high. In the same way, if you tell people you're a Christian be a Christ Follower and show them the truth. 1 Peter 3:15 says, "Always be ready to give anyone who asks you for the reason for the hope that you have, but do this gentleness and respect." I can't speak for every "Christian" when I say this but I will remain prepared and I will continue to be set apart and open minded, ready to take on my next trial.

facing the inevitable

Senior year is in a matter of days and these long, hot summer hours have given me plenty of time to resonate on who I am, the good and the bad, and I've realized there are some parts of me I could do without and other things I want to be filled with. Some things need to change, I just don't know if I'm ready for it.
Change is inevitable. I've learned that, but what I've recently realized is that most of the change we face isn't around us, yet in us. We're the ones that change, and yeah, I guess those around us, but that's not the change we get frustrated with.
The biggest yield to change is fear. Fear of what will happen, what others will think, who won't be for it, but mostly what others will say, to your face or behind your back, they'll talk.
Especially being a girl I'm constantly worried about what others are going to say about me. I know "the only opinion I should worry about is God's..." and His is important to me, too but it's so much easier to care about someone right infront of you.
But I have a big year ahead, a lot of influence and a lot of things planned. I may be standing alone at the end of these nine months, I may be the only one who had gone astray, or we may all pull through and do great things in God's name. I don't want to be the wasted generation, the time is near and I can't waste what's left. So if you're reading this feel free to keep me accountable, feel free to ask what God's up to, and kick me in the butt when I need it. Because I'm no longer craving man's approval-I don't have that kind of time-the only approval I'm worried about is what God wants from me. So I come in to this year with arms wide open and ears eager to hear. Show me where I need to be.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

I've been back from camp for about 48 hours and I've already fallen short of God's glory numerous times. The thing that spoke the loudest to me while at Table Rock was when Meagan said athletes go to camp to gain strength and endurance for the competition in front of them for the rest of the season. The same reason we go to church camp, to gain strength and endurance for the rest of the race we have to run. I learned a lot, but I also came back with, possibly, more questions than answers about my walk. I understand why I went to camp, but I don't understand where I go now that I'm back. I want to start doing big things this year, and I can't tell you honestly what's holding me back from doing any of those things. I still have to strive harder.
Athletes gain their strength throughout the season, they work hard during camps but the real work comes out on game day. Every day is another battle fought for our life as a Christ follower. I don't want to fall behind, because if we claim to be a Christian the enemy is going to be trying that much harder to make us fall. Camp was a wonderful experience but that practice comes into play now that we're back. "So I do not run like a man running aimlessly, I do not fight like a man beating the air. No I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached I, myself, will not be disqualified for the prize."

Galations 6:9

Lately I've been finding myself extremely impatient with God's timing. I keep trying to rush into things that I think I'm ready for, or move forward and search for something that I wouldn't be able to handle. Being a 17-year-old girl brings on its mundane troubles but nothing too earth shattering. I just want things God knows I'm not ready for, and most of the reason is because I don't have my priorities straight, I'm not putting God first and now realizing this reminds me of what my priorities need to be.
God should be first in every situation no matter what the circumstances-they're not kidding when they tell you that works, it really does. Being human means I want a lot of things, a lot of which I'm not spiritually nor mentally ready for. And I respect that and know that I need to continue putting God first He will tell me when I'm ready for His blessings. So I will continue to pray and I will remain faithful and I will not grow weary because I know He has me. I may not know what's next, but He does. And for now, that's good enough for me.

too much life going on

First off, I just want to apologize for my summer mode. I did not forget about this thing! But I’ve had a lot on my mind. TPX is doing SNL for the summer fellowship and I’ve been able to hang out with the high school girls a lot more lately before my final year of high school starts. It’s good to hear from everyone and what they have to say about our last year and what they want their plans to be. I miss hearing from everyone and actually caring…anyways, I’ve been picking at people lately, trying to get their perspective on certain things involving God, church, people, and themselves and I’ve learned that there’s a lot more I have to pick up and help out. Most kids in high school are searching for something confident to follow but most high schoolers do a horrible job on demonstrating the power of their God because they let others tell them who they are. And everyone in TPX is, or has been, in that situation before, so why don’t we all discuss it? No one wants to man up and admit they’re scared or need help! Well, I need help; I need perspective. I would love for someone to keep me in check, so I’ll continue to strive for high school perspective and let you know how others view life and change. 

48 hours

In 11 hours I'll be at the Thurn's house packing for my 10 day journey.
In 52 hours I'll be at KCI for my very first plane ride.
In the 12 hours following I'll be up in the air... (barf).
And in the 10 days following I'll be in Peru.
All of the above will be firsts for me, not to mention the other firsts I'll be sure to encounter. There's going to be a lot of change in my life in the next two weeks, and to be completely honest, I'm not ready for most of them. I keep thinking of all the other things I need to be taking care of, but if I truly needed to take care of them God wouldn't have planned this trip. My mind's skewed and I don't know what I'm really supposed to be doing. I'm going to be missing our here, but wouldn't the likewise happen I didn't go to Peru? Ahh decisions, right? Coming from someone who's understatemently indecisive I hope all goes well.