I'm just a donkey

     There's an ongoing joke in my house that I'm the good kid; the "Tebow" of the family. I'm the one with the answers on "how to pray" and what bible verse is applicable to whichever situation. Almost every bible reference conversation with directed to me starts with, "Now, I'm sure you know this better than I do, Sis, but in the bible it says. . ." Those factors have played two huge, totally different roles in my walk. They've fed both my insecurities and my pride.
     In high school, it was a huge pressure to be the Tebow of the family. I just wanted my siblings and peers to look at me like a normal teenager. So I tried to run from my spiritual calling and went out and made some dumb decisions to bring my suburban street cred up. These things never really got me on my parents' bad side--that was kind of annoying--but instead, my parents did an almost too good of job at showing Christ through their parenting, for they never once condemned me for my faults. They were surely disappointed, which is always worse, but they protected me. They established their authority, but they gave me grace and love all the same.
     Now, those dumb decisions didn't get the same response from others. The devil fed me lies that I wasn't good enough to be back in God's graces. That these people would always be there judging me and my walk and I might as well just give up.
     But was I seeking the approval of man or of God? Or was I trying to please people? If that's the case, I wouldn't be a servant for the Lord.
     Galatians 1:10 was constantly being rehearsed in my head, because I constantly had to remind myself that those other people didn't matter, I wasn't a people pleaser, I was a servant of Christ. I was a carrier, an ambassador of His good news and He would use my story to bring Him glory.
     Years removed from that part of my walk, I find myself stuck on the other end of that spectrum. I'm not being fed the lies that I'm not good enough, it's the lies that I'm too good. What's the point of memorizing more scripture if I already have so much memorized as it is? Why would I read more of my Bible if I've already heard all those stories and know how they end? My parents think my walk is more than sufficient, why go overboard?
     There's a story in Matthew (21:1-11) about "The Triumphal Entry" when Jesus comes into Jerusalem on a donkey and the crowds are stoked about seeing their Savior come. The crowds shout, "Hosanna in the highest!" for Jesus, the Son of God, the salvation that they've been waiting for is finally in front of them. Like, people are going crazy. The passage even says they laid their cloaks and branches on the road for Jesus and his donkey, so he wouldn't have to even step on the dirt below Him.
     I always knew this story as Palm Sunday, the Sunday before Easter. I never thought much of it until I heard it in new light during one Palm Sunday church service.
     What if the donkey thought all this commotion was for him?
     What if the donkey saw the crowds yelling to Hosanna in the highest, dropping their cloaks to the ground and thought it was all for him, the donkey? When in all actuality, the donkey's sole purpose is to fulfill prophecy, to carry the message that the Savior has come.
     I tend to forget that no praise and glory is for me, I'm just a reflector of His majesty. I don't need the praise and glory, in fact, I have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. I tend to forget the other side of Galatians 1:10. That I'm not seeking the approval of man, but of God. Pleasing people will get me no where, but giving God all the glory is one of the few heavenly gifts we here on earth are blessed to participate in. I'm nothing more than a donkey carrying the good news that the Savior has come.
     My pride may get to me and my insecurities may be fed, but I'm only human. I have one of two choices: I can sit in my misery and remind myself how sinful and undeserving I am, or I can quit insulting God and His work and praise Him for the life He has designed for me. I've spent much time in both of those areas, and let me tell you, the latter is much more liberating.

Galatians 1:10 ESV
     For am I know seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Romans 7:21-25a NLT
     I have discovered this principle of life--that when I do what is right, I inevitable do what is  wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.