just a different view

This weekend I went on a silent retreat with flight training (my bible study). Seven and a half hours of silence talking to absolutely no one. Yes, it actually was as hard as you think. But I learned a lot. The time that I usually cloud with my own thoughts were consumed with what God wanted to tell me. But only when I was consciences in what He had to say.
The following is an excerpt from my journal while my time of solitude. Heads up: for those of you who don't know me very well, I'm sort of a cynical person... So bare with me if this may seem a little harsh. Just what I was shown over my solitude with Christ.
I'm seventeen-years-old and I already have the songs picked out that will play at my funeral. I don't know what color my prom dress is but I know A Thousand Miles will be on the soundtrack to tears on that day. I'm more focused on this world after my life than my life after this world. Where are my priorities? Am I really that important that once I die people are going to be concerned with me or think so highly of me that I need to plan out their sorrows for me? Of course, things are going to be different when I'm gone; that goes for everyone. But the only thing I need to worry about is: where will I be when I'm gone? I hear this every Sunday and at every Christ-shattering experience: "If you love God and you want Him to be in your life just say a prayer and tell Him, 'Jesus, I love you and I want you to be my savior,'" Give or take a few words and you just bought yourself salvation. That's great, don't get me wrong-not one day passes where I regret opening up that pocketing bible at Awanas and accepting Jesus as my Savior but no one ever told me when I opened my eyes and left that room the devil was going to be on my butt til the day I turn in my second life, whether that be at Heaven's gates or next winter. No one tells you that once the puppies and ice cream is all gone God's going to ask you to do away with some of you old ways. No one let's you know that it's not always going to be cool to walk with Christ. No one remembers that, that shoulder to lean on needs just as much loving, listening and leaning as you do. (I hate oxford commas). Too many people don't want to be saved from their sin they want to be saved from the punishment of their sin. Well, sorry, but there's not a Chipotle on every corner or dessert buffets with angel food cake. Heaven is filled with every one of God's exceeding expectations who realized the world was not worth it and unselfishly gave up themselves to pick up their own cross and Follow God. Because they were in love with HIM not what He had to offer.
It's easy for me to get angry with those who aren't doing what God wants them to. People can tell me, "Oh it's such an encouragement to see you grow." It is? Then show me. If you want what I have then let go of what's holding you back. If you really want to experience God's glory than put away the things of the past and do what He tells you to do. He might be telling me to not wear shoes for 3 weeks, and though that sounds like a dream come true to you, He might be telling you to sell all your clothes or break up with your boyfriend. Just because what Christ is doing in someone else's life may look glamorous doesn't always mean they didn't have to struggle to get there. When my grandmother passed away I didn't hear anyone telling me, "Man Alyssa, the only person you could ever relate to or depend on just died? Sweet dude, I wish I was you!" No, with that being said God took huge advantage of that oppritunity and I was able to grow a lot during that time. Everything worthwhile never comes easily. So don't tell me, "Gee, I wish God would speak to me the way He speaks to you." But then when you hear Him tell you loud and clear to take away the road blocks you turn the other cheek. DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE DROWNING IF YOU LIKE THE FEELING OF WATER IN YOUR LUNGS. I'm telling you, God speaks to me just like He does me, He just might be telling you something you don't want to hear. "So wash your hands you sinners and purify your hearts you double-minded." James 4:8

I've come to the realization that most high school kids are very, very shallow. I apologize for my pessimism :)