Quit Dwelling on The Cross

  A feeling of inadequacy is real in the Christia--in life. The feeling is real and can be related to almost, if not every experience in life. Our culture is constantly telling us that we have to better ourselves before we can get what we want, or sometimes even what we need.

     When it comes to Christianity, I hear so many people tell me that they'll become a Christian later when it's on their time, when they're done with high school or college or when they're married with kids. Then they'll fully surrender their lives to God, but right now, it's just too much work for them to do. They've got to clean themselves up before the God of the Universe will even consider accepting them.
     I hear that and I think of saints like Doug Benjamin, who was far from cleaned up when he met God. Who was fleeing his responsibilities, fighting drug addiction and trying to figure out what it meant to be a father after being absent in his children's lives for many years. I think of Doug now, who welcomed Christ into his life during that mess, who has been saved by grace and raised up with Christ. Doug uses his God-given gifts to invest in the lives of men in prison and coming out of prison and sacrificially gives his time and resources to others, because he understands they don't belong to him anyways. His humility overflows into the lives of those men and he's been an example to the coming ages of the immeasurable riches of God's grace.
     I think of my friend Hannah, who knew God, but never truly experienced Him. I think of how scary it was for her our freshman year of college. She knew God with her head, but it wasn't revealed to her heart, so she said all the right answers, but wondered why she was still wondering. I see Hannah now, who is a daughter of the Most High King, who has been justified by not only Christ's death but His resurrection. I see Hannah, who is still a mess like the rest of us, that has been made righteous by her faith, as she continuously doesn't let her circumstances rob God of His adoration.
     When I surrendered to God, I was running from His calling. I knew what He expected of me, but I tried to prove to Him and everyone around me that he dialed the wrong number, I wasn't the one He was looking for. I remember wondering who could this God be who could take something of my condition and make it into anything useful.

     That was when I stopped dwelling on the cross, and stared into the tomb. 

     Maybe you need to quit looking at the cross. Yes, your sins were so suffocating that they put the Son of God on a cross and killed him, but He didn't stay there. Your sins were slain. Jesus Christ died, but He rose again and Vince-Carter-dunked on every single sin that you've committed and will ever commit. He conquered them all. He lives so now you can live. You don't have to be, because He is, He was, and He will always be. Leave your sin on that cross and step inside that tomb. Step inside His mercy, walk in the midst of His grace and be made righteous by your faith because you have been set free. Admit that you need a cleaning crew, because it is not by our own doing, but it is a gift from God and recognize that your inadequacies are just lies that are keeping you from living the in the immeasurable riches of His grace by which you have been saved.

Because you are enough. You have always been enough. 

What they don't tell you about being a Christian

     I've always been a very independent person and I take pride in my individuality and my lack of necessity when it comes to needing others, but I've learned throughout the years that this is one of my biggest setbacks in my walk with God (ironic, I know). There's been tons of times, I've turned down help, even God's, because--well, I got this.

     I remember when I first decided to accept all that God had to offer, my biggest concern was what He was going to ask me on my end. I thought that by being a Christian, that going all in, meant I'd have to stop being funny. I thought it meant I'd have to stop having an opinion, raise 5 kids, never cut my hair, and cross my legs when I sit. Because so many of us, as Christians, we tell our story as, "Hi, I'm Alyssa and before I knew God I was a prideful, arrogant jerk who could talk myself in and out of anything. But then I accepted Jesus Christ in my heart." --and credits.

     I mean, all that's true, but what I usually seem to leave out is the fact that I still am a prideful, arrogant jerk. I could sell ice to the devil and I have a talent of telling people how it is. Of course, yeah, I have my good days, but if I'm not battling those sins, I've got some other self-absorbed desire that I have to shake off. Yes, the Spirit lives within me and I love God's law with all my heart, but there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me, so daily I take up my cross and ask God to strip me of my flesh, with the faith that knows He can and the faith that knows, even if He chooses not to, He's given me His Spirit to combat it. 

     I met a girl this summer who reminded me a lot of myself and I watched this 15-year-old girl's body language and listened to her tell me stories about how she talks to her parents or sisters. I cringed and thanked God for the mercy He had on me to not allow 15-year-old Alyssa live out her plans in this life. 

     I've been all in with God for awhile but that disobedient spirit in me still fights against what He has planned. But every time I give in to His will and allow myself to be refined by His fire it's worth every millisecond. 

     I've said this before, but let me say it again: My decision to follow God wasn't an option. Once I encountered the love of Jesus Christ and let His grace wash over me, I knew that waking up every morning with that hole in my chest wasn't something I was willing to settle for anymore. Because when the God of the universe didn't only extend an arm down into that hole of muck I dug yourself into, but got down in that muck with me and lift me out of it, I couldn't go back to sleepless nights staring at the ceiling searching for the answer of where each one of my breaths come from. I couldn't live in that regret and shame and unworthiness a moment longer. I had tasted the sweetest wine, how could I ever go back to drinking water?

     Following God wasn't an alternative for me, it was my only choice available. All the others paled in comparison, trust me, I tried them out. But choosing God wasn't my only choice. I've had to choose to follow Him every day since then.
     Christianity isn't a way out or a solution to your most current problem, it's truth. It doesn't lessen your troubles, but it does give you the peace and strength to face them. Following God isn't easy, but it's worth it. Oh, is it worth it. 

     I've been in this race for 5 solid years now, and there is no other place I'd rather be than with my eyes on the ground looking to where His feet take me next. God knew I had a free spirit, so He gave me wings and these wings have allowed me to fly and have taken me farther than I could have ever asked or imagined. Then there are times when I have to ask God to clip them, so I can stay where He asks me to. 

     It seems to be that I remember my past struggles over my current ones, but the reality of it is that I'm a soldier fighting a war and not every day is rainbows and lollipops and not every battle I enter do I win. But in this fight, I'm on the winning army and even during those times of strife, they are still better than my days without Him.

I am powerful beyond measure.

   The Lord has not made me incompetent, He has made me powerful beyond measure. Even when things are fearful, the living God has not given me a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love and of self-confidence. Lately, God has shown me just a glimpse of the creation He has designed for me; and it's terrifying. But I know The Lord of lords can do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine and His plans for me are plan A.
     I'm scared, not solely because these plans take me out of my comfort zone, but mostly because these plans involve me leaning on God every second of the day. I'm scared because, with God, I am brilliant. I am liberated, set free and God's plans for me are every single one of my aspirations wrapped into one glowing ball of fire fueled by the work I put into them, fighting to be released for my good and His glory.
     The bible says, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your path straight. Let me say that again: acknowledge Him in all your ways. Not just some, not just the big decisions, but every. single. one. I have to wake up in the morning and acknowledge God when I choose what road I take to work or what I wear for the day. What classes I take in the fall, what words I choose to say. I have to acknowledge Him, because if and when I don't, my life crumbles around me. If I don't acknowledge God in all my ways, I'm choosing to acknowledge other things, and let me tell you, that fails you faster than oiled feet on a slip-n-slide.
     I spent years of my life trying to loosen the grip God had on me. It was a tug-of-war between Him and me. He'd pull me closer into His plans, but I got scared and I eventually let go. But when I fell into that mud hole in the center of our rope, the only one who climbed down there with me was Him. I had to burn my ships and make my home in God's arms. Everyday is no less easy, but everyday is much more worth it. God has chosen me. He wants me. My playing small does not serve the world.
     The following is a poem I wrote. When people ask me my testimony, I usually recite lines from this writing. If this resonates with anyone, I pray you read the second part of this poem as a prayer. It's the best decision I've ever made and it's the only thing that has never failed me.

I was told by the world that treasures were measured by money, power and fame
That the only way to survive was seeing things through clouded eyes
So I believed in the world's lie and tried to disqualify myself from the life I had been chosen for
I could be part of this world and love God at the same time
As long as neither found out about the other
I was an adulterous to my own life
I was imprisoned to my sin
Knowing that Christ had already paid that price 
And made me alive again
Yet I still found myself serving that sentence
Enslaved to that idol that I claimed repentance
Being reminded by God
That yes, His grace covers
But I wasn't walking in the manner in which He called me
I didn't understand that what He was asking for was all of me

So I flirted with that line of holy and mundane until it faded 
Could only find God on Sundays when my cries were belated
And the lens I was looking through only made me more jaded

But I knew God
I knew the creator of this universe
I couldn't barter my way into His presence
I had to remain in Him with no chance of going back  
I had to burn my ships and face the facts 
That I wasn't destined for average
I was chose for something great
I couldn't let fear or comfort cripple me from my fate
I knew if I waited longer
My role could be replaced

So I kept no flaw of mine from Him
For He already knew it
Gave Him my brokenness so He could use it
Because He told me that every detail of my life was for my own benefit
That my story would help someone
But only if I allowed it 

So I was refined by His fire
Went to the background and gave Him center stage
Wanting to be a speck in His story
Just a period on a page
Any more of me would be robbing Him of His glory 
And my only purpose is to bring Him praise

So I render myself in His hands as clay 
Staring at the ashes of what was
With no way back, I'm here to stay

The Love of a Father

     All day long, I've been asking God to show me something new of Him. To show up in a big way. "God, let the only thing missing in my life be more of you."
     Today, I've been reminded again of the love of my earthly father.
God's been showing me that a lot. He's reminded me of all that my own dad has done for our family.
     Pat Hicks is the closest example I have of God's love, provision, Jesus' obedience, and sacrifice. My dad desires to give me things and in the days when the Hicks Family didn't even have enough money to pay attention, my father would sacrifice his needs to fulfill the needs of his wife and kids, to fulfill our wants, even. Oh, how I thank God for the example He has given me of that man.
     God tells me, "Alyssa, the amount your dad loves you is just a drop in the ocean of how much I love you, how much I want to give you. And you don't even realize how much that man loves you. I love you so much more."
     I've learned how to obey God by obeying my father, I've learned to trust in God to provide, because I've always had that trust in my own dad to provide. I have an idea of God's love for us because of the love my dad has for my mom.
     Oh, and my mother. She is the most Proverbs 31 woman I know, and it's an effortless task for her (it's kind of annoying) but that's the way God made her. I know what it means to be a woman because she has been nothing short of that my whole life. I have a better picture of who God is and I've learned to know Him better because of my parents and I thank God for that every day.
     So, to all of those who are new parents, got one brewing in your belly or aren't talking to your teenager, let me tell you this: I know God better because my parents know Him better. I desire to know Him better because of my parents and I've been set out into the world because they know I belong to Him and I praise God for that, for them.

Lima, Peru Day 1

Peru is beautiful. Today was our first full day here and God has already shown us so many cool things. Having the four of us, plus Courtney’s friend Sarah, has been so much fun! Sarah has been such an uplifting member of our team. She carries spiritual gifts that compliment ours well and has been the voice of reason today. I guess it comes with her being the oldest—she turns 21 in August. Yeah, that’s the oldest of us.

 

Today, we went to the market and bought food for our time here at YWAM. When we went to the meat part of the market, we had the option of buying chicken patties, chicken legs, wings, or the whole chicken. We went with the whole chicken. We have videos of Courtney cutting it up, we'll have to post later :)

And here is our Mama Cecilia showing us, with an actual knife, how to cut the chicken. She’s the wife of Big Cesar and the mom of little Cesar, who’s actually bigger. Little Cesar is the director of the YWAM base in Lima, who connected us to the base here.

And our first successful meal J

     The Australian team lands tonight. Today was our time to settle in. With our free time this afternoon, we decided to walk to the Starbucks to get some free wifi. When Starbucks became farther than we expected, we saw a McDonald’s and decided to milk them for their wifi instead. We met a German girl, her Peruvian boyfriend, and his American best friend from Wisconsin. Well, I don’t know if we met them so much as found out they understood everything we were saying the hard way.

     Anyways, I went up to use the restroom after we ordered our food and came back to find a little Peruvian girl had taken my seat. Maria had come up to our table, Sarah was the only one sitting there, and sold her some candy. When Maria asked us what we were doing in Peru, Logan and Courtney shared with her they have siblings from Peru. After many moments of broken Spanish and confusion, we explained they were adopted. Maria was ecstatic to find out we were American and she enjoyed listening to us trying to speak Spanish as she ate my fries one by one. We could tell immediately Maria didn’t come to us just to sell us candy, she wanted to know us. It was an hour before sunset, so we decided to go home, we said our goodbyes to Maria and Sarah told her, “Jesus te amo.” (Jesus loves you). Maria hugged us all and gave us the traditional kiss on the cheek as we left. She was easily the best part of our day.

My broken shell

     I've never really understood people's oppositions on the rain. Personally, I've always loved it, though I understand I'm in the minority. Most people hate it; fear it. Fear of what storms it might bring with it or what patio furniture it might damage. The world stops when it rains. American's love to act like the rain keeps them indoors, when most of them never go out and enjoy the earth anyways. I love the rain. I love the rain for many reasons. I love the way it changes the sky in just a matter of minutes. I love the rush on the streets, as people scurry to find safety inside their homes. I love the warm pavement. I love the noise it makes as it rattles its way from above all the way to the ground and the grass drinks it up. I love the smell and the moistness in the air it leaves, like its of spraying its scent on letters to beloved. I love the raindrops and the way they race each other to the ground, fighting to remain individual during the downpour. Everything about it, I love it. So, when most people are running to get out of it, I'm usually trying to find the fastest route into it. The smell is intoxicating, the sight is invigorating, but the feeling.
     That feeling of warm raindrops absorbing into your skin, making your eyesight blurry as the weight of the water causes the canopy that is your lashes collapse. Deep breath. You can't help but have a smile wrap across your face. It's like nothing I've ever felt before, so it's something I have to feel as often as possible. It is the essence of freedom, you can feel the extraction of bravery try to escape your skin in the form of goosebumps. It is liberating. Deep breath.
     I love the rain, because it's real and real almost always insinuates anxiety or awkwardness. Most people run from it instead of embrace it. But for me, the rain makes me feel whole.

     As you can tell, not even conversations about the weather is something I pass. My friend Olivia tells me I like to take light conversations ocean deep more than anyone she knows. Maybe that's true, or maybe I'm just the only who doesn't have the patience for the small talk that gets us there. Either way, I like to think things matter. I've been a person too long to believe that any one person just has one layer and that all those layers are unscathed. Even if I'm not the person they show those other layers to, that they're shown to someone and brought into the light.

     When I think about Jesus and the transfiguration (Matthew 17:2, Mark 9:2-3), I think about what I would've looked like on that mountain top if I were in Jesus' position. Jesus took His closest friends to show them a part of Him that He hadn't shown anyone before. Transfiguration is defined as, "a complete change of form or appearance into a more beautiful or spiritual state." Of course, when Jesus transfigured, it says His clothes became radiant and His face shone like the sun. 
     I try to imagine my own transfiguration. I imagine me taking my three closest friends atop a mountain and allow that bright light hit me the same way it hit Jesus. Though instead, that light wouldn't be radiating from me but from behind me.
     I would look down at my body, my arms limp like a scarecrow, staring at the light that shines through the cracks from my damaged layers. I'd look down and see the parts of me that have broken and my friends see them, too, filled with the light.
     How freeing it must be to show someone your naked soul and let them in to fill those cracks. I've formed those relationships and every encounter of that friendship feels like rain to me. All of our shells have been broken, rain is soothing, but it's never silent. If you have yet to feel that rain, through friendships or through the weather, fill those cracks with rain until they're overflowing.

The sun shines through the cracks of my silhouette

Leaving mystery to outsiders to memories I'll never forget

Those cracks become open wounds become scars that never truly heal

And as the clouds cover the sun's light

It's easier to hide my broken exterior from watching eyes

All those fake faces imprisoned in clear prisms around me

My body screams for the truth to be set free

Free

The naked soles of my feet feeling the warm pavement beneath me

In the pouring rain, I've never felt so free

Dressed only in raindrops, soaking clothes and vulnerability

My arms open wide and my face to the sky

I look up at the water that will inevitably fall on me

And wait for those droplets that allow me to blossom where I've been planted

To allow my broken shell have its cracks filled by that holy water

I'll stand in this rain long enough for these cracks to overflow

Proverbs 31 is for dudes, too.

     This semester, I've been bombarded with marriage stuff. Every sermon, bible study, and quiet time seems to have something to do with submission, but instead of speaking my not-so-gracious opinion, I figured God has something to tell me so I better listen up.
     In 6 weeks, I'll be in a foreign country with only 3 familiar faces for the next 6 weeks. From the very start of this adventure, God made it very clear to me that I was going to have little say in any big plans. I know what a lot of you are thinking, what a breeze! I've always done so well with keeping my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. Although I do such a good job of wearing that façade, it is unbelievably hard for me to shut up and let other people do things their way. Since we decided on Peru in November, I've had to submit and trust these girls that what God told them was the right thing. Any time I came to God with concerns, it was almost as if He had His receptionist forward me to Logan, Samantha or Courtney.
     I have the hugest struggle with submission and I always figured it was God's way of telling me I'm just not cut out for marriage. That was just who I was and God was going to work around my imperfections to sanctify me in other ways. This is such faulty theology, because God doesn't desire what I've settled for, He wants what is absolutely best for me and that's not staying cynically cold-hearted about everything, that's refining me by His fire and perfecting me through His grace and love.
     While learning how to submit to The Lord and preparing myself for future submission, of course Proverbs 31 has crossed my path. I used to hate Proverbs 31, make fun of it even. Who cares what kind of woman I'm supposed to be, it's too mainstream anyways and I don't want to live the Christian version of Stepford Wives and just be like every other submissive woman. Guys, I'm not kidding when I say God saved me from my cynical, cold-heart; I was a real jerk, still kind of am, just ask anyone who really likes me.
     Anyways, the more that I read Proverbs 31, the more I realize that this isn't the woman God's calling me to be in the future, it's the like of what God has set aside for me right now.
     For women, Proverbs 31 isn't a checklist, it's the characteristics that are uncompromisingly inheritable from spending time with Him. For men, I think it's a great reminder of what kind of women they should be pursuing. She dresses herself in strength (Proverbs 31:17), she opens her hand to the poor (Proverbs 31:20), she laughs at the time to come (Proverbs 31:26), she fears The Lord (Proverbs 31:30). With all that society throws at us, telling us what the perfect women is, it's important for all of God's children to hide in their heart the truths of what beautiful really is.