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Monday, January 26, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
One more week
One week. In one week from today, I will be on a plane headed to Peru for 6 months. 26 weeks. 183 days. Wut.
It hasn't really hit me. Yeah, I'm going to Peru, but I've been going to Peru for the last 6 months. 6 months ago I was in Peru! Things look different, but God said Peru and that's all I really need to know.
I've been reading through Exodus and God has reminded me so much of His character these past few months. God delivering His people out of Egypt and Moses giving Him every reason why he's unequipped to be the one to lead that. Exodus 3:12, "But I will be with you," said God. 3:14, "I AM WHO I AM." 3:17, "I promise that I will bring you up out of your affliction..." God covers all of His doubts. Moses wasn't adequate to lead, but God equipped him.
I've ran into my own 10 plagues during this preparation period leading up to the trip. From parents saying "if," to doctors saying "no," I've had to trust in what God told me and have the faith that was content if He changed His mind.
While in Peru, I started reading the book of Daniel. Daniel was a young, handsome, wise, intelligent and teachable man (Daniel 1:4) who stood up for what he believed in (1:8) and had faith in God (2:16). Daniel was humble (2:20-23), sacrificial (2:24), and gave all glory to God (2:27). Talk about husband material. Anyways, God used the book of Daniel back in July to prepare me for what I was getting myself into. I know God said January, but did I believe He'd get me there?
I talked at TPX, my home church's youth ministry, about the fiery furnace and all that stuck out to me in that story was Daniel 3:17-18. Shad, Mesh, and Ben were being told by the king if they didn't deny their God and bow down and worship some golden figurine than they were going to be burned alive.
Their response was, through a yawn while cleaning the dirt from under their fingernails was, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, your majesty. But even if he doesn't, we want to make it clear to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."
I've read these words before, but I know how this story turned out for them. I know Shad, Mesh, and Ben's fate on the other side of those flames, I knew what reaped from their faithfulness. But they didn't! They didn't know if they were going to live through that! Like, think about it, they should have died or if they lived, they'd had lived in mockery because of it. God is healer, but those kind of burns would've taken time, brother.
I've been living in Daniel 3:15-18 for the past few months. I've had my king Nebuchadnezzars tell me no and ask "who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands?" and I've astoundingly had the faithfulness to say, "My God is able to save me, but even if He doesn't I still believe He's the only one worth serving."
God does weird stuff and there's still a ton of things I'm worried about (like where am I going to watch the Super Bowl? There's so much hockey left and baseball hasn't even started!) but who cares, because God will be there with me just like He was with Moses.
In one week, Courtney Buttress and I will land in Lima and fly out to Pacasmayo to spend about 3-4 weeks in the orphanage, help our friend with her adoption and get ready for school. In March I'll start my second semester of my junior year at a university in Lima with students from all across the world. The rest, who knows.
Exodus 33, God tells Moses it's time to move, to leave the dessert and Moses says, "as long as your presence comes with me, I'll be there." That's where I'm kind of at.
It hasn't really hit me. Yeah, I'm going to Peru, but I've been going to Peru for the last 6 months. 6 months ago I was in Peru! Things look different, but God said Peru and that's all I really need to know.
I've been reading through Exodus and God has reminded me so much of His character these past few months. God delivering His people out of Egypt and Moses giving Him every reason why he's unequipped to be the one to lead that. Exodus 3:12, "But I will be with you," said God. 3:14, "I AM WHO I AM." 3:17, "I promise that I will bring you up out of your affliction..." God covers all of His doubts. Moses wasn't adequate to lead, but God equipped him.
I've ran into my own 10 plagues during this preparation period leading up to the trip. From parents saying "if," to doctors saying "no," I've had to trust in what God told me and have the faith that was content if He changed His mind.
While in Peru, I started reading the book of Daniel. Daniel was a young, handsome, wise, intelligent and teachable man (Daniel 1:4) who stood up for what he believed in (1:8) and had faith in God (2:16). Daniel was humble (2:20-23), sacrificial (2:24), and gave all glory to God (2:27). Talk about husband material. Anyways, God used the book of Daniel back in July to prepare me for what I was getting myself into. I know God said January, but did I believe He'd get me there?
I talked at TPX, my home church's youth ministry, about the fiery furnace and all that stuck out to me in that story was Daniel 3:17-18. Shad, Mesh, and Ben were being told by the king if they didn't deny their God and bow down and worship some golden figurine than they were going to be burned alive.
Their response was, through a yawn while cleaning the dirt from under their fingernails was, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, your majesty. But even if he doesn't, we want to make it clear to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."
I've read these words before, but I know how this story turned out for them. I know Shad, Mesh, and Ben's fate on the other side of those flames, I knew what reaped from their faithfulness. But they didn't! They didn't know if they were going to live through that! Like, think about it, they should have died or if they lived, they'd had lived in mockery because of it. God is healer, but those kind of burns would've taken time, brother.
I've been living in Daniel 3:15-18 for the past few months. I've had my king Nebuchadnezzars tell me no and ask "who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands?" and I've astoundingly had the faithfulness to say, "My God is able to save me, but even if He doesn't I still believe He's the only one worth serving."
God does weird stuff and there's still a ton of things I'm worried about (like where am I going to watch the Super Bowl? There's so much hockey left and baseball hasn't even started!) but who cares, because God will be there with me just like He was with Moses.
In one week, Courtney Buttress and I will land in Lima and fly out to Pacasmayo to spend about 3-4 weeks in the orphanage, help our friend with her adoption and get ready for school. In March I'll start my second semester of my junior year at a university in Lima with students from all across the world. The rest, who knows.
Exodus 33, God tells Moses it's time to move, to leave the dessert and Moses says, "as long as your presence comes with me, I'll be there." That's where I'm kind of at.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Drawn to Redemption by the Grace in His Eyes
Something terrible happened this week. Something just awful, but I can't say it's the first time this thing has happened to me before. You'd think since I've faced this exact trauma that I'd have been a little better prepared for it, but I wasn't. It was in fact worse than the first time.
This week, I lost my pen.
This pen was my favorite pen, I use it to write in the margins of my bible because of its bold color and convenient clip on the lid that keeps it secured to my bible. They're hardly ever separated. I was in Denver this week and when I pulled my bible out of my bag, this pen loosened and fell onto the bed as I lay my bible there. We left and when I came back I couldn't find my pen anywhere. I freaked. I'm a writer and what pen I use is one of the only things I have control of in my life.
I asked my roommates if they had seen it and one of them asked if it was the pen I use with my bible, "You've had that pen forever! I'm sorry I haven't seen it, that sucks." She knew how much that pen meant to me, she could've just thought I was being irrational, but that came much later. I would be taking naps and wake up and start moving furniture. I unfolded all of my clothes, searched though the bed sheets--but no pen. I asked my roommates all week, nothing, nowhere. I'm pretty sure they thought I was crazy.
I've lost my favorite pen before, but 2 hours later I had found it, that pen has since then ran out of ink, so this three day search for this young, full-of-ink pen was exasperating.
I got desperate. I wrote a note to the maids asking if they had seen it. We went to a session and when I got back, there was the pen. Right there on my bed. I wanted to go find the maid and hug her--even though there was a 90% chance she stole it...but who cares because my pen was back! I wish I could say I'm exaggerating, but I really got this excited about a pen.
I thought about that. I thought about how ridiculous I had been acting to receive that much joy over finding a missing pen.
Luke 15 came to mind. "If I got this excited about a pen coming back into my hands, imagine how pleased God is when a soul comes running into His arms."
Then I looked at this pen. I thought about how it has bled through every page I have ever used it to write on. I thought about how the ink expands, keeping me from writing small enough to actually fit in the margins. I was reminded of the explosion that happened in Ephesians 2--yes, in that passage, but on my page in my own bible. My pen exploded and there is left a huge ink stain on those pages. I didn't choose to use this pen because it was perfect, I chose to use this pen because I wanted to.
I leave ink stains among God's holy scripture all the time, yet He keeps me. He bandages me up and keeps using me.
Sometimes I see people and think, Oh, she's too pretty, there's no way she's a believer. or He's already a star athlete, why does he deserve the gospel too, on top of all that goodness? If we were to sit and talk about all we deserve, the list would be pretty short, in fact only one thing would be on it: death. Christ desires something else for us. If I believe I'm not good enough for it, I believe Jesus' sacrifice on the cross wasn't enough. If I keep the Good News of Jesus Christ from the pretty people, the successful people or whomever, if I think the lost are just fine without it, by doing that I'm saying that Jesus' death on the cross wasn't all that much. Why would I ever deprive myself or others of the fulfillment of knowing Christ?
This week, I lost my pen.
This pen was my favorite pen, I use it to write in the margins of my bible because of its bold color and convenient clip on the lid that keeps it secured to my bible. They're hardly ever separated. I was in Denver this week and when I pulled my bible out of my bag, this pen loosened and fell onto the bed as I lay my bible there. We left and when I came back I couldn't find my pen anywhere. I freaked. I'm a writer and what pen I use is one of the only things I have control of in my life.
I asked my roommates if they had seen it and one of them asked if it was the pen I use with my bible, "You've had that pen forever! I'm sorry I haven't seen it, that sucks." She knew how much that pen meant to me, she could've just thought I was being irrational, but that came much later. I would be taking naps and wake up and start moving furniture. I unfolded all of my clothes, searched though the bed sheets--but no pen. I asked my roommates all week, nothing, nowhere. I'm pretty sure they thought I was crazy.
I've lost my favorite pen before, but 2 hours later I had found it, that pen has since then ran out of ink, so this three day search for this young, full-of-ink pen was exasperating.
I got desperate. I wrote a note to the maids asking if they had seen it. We went to a session and when I got back, there was the pen. Right there on my bed. I wanted to go find the maid and hug her--even though there was a 90% chance she stole it...but who cares because my pen was back! I wish I could say I'm exaggerating, but I really got this excited about a pen.
I thought about that. I thought about how ridiculous I had been acting to receive that much joy over finding a missing pen.
Luke 15 came to mind. "If I got this excited about a pen coming back into my hands, imagine how pleased God is when a soul comes running into His arms."
Then I looked at this pen. I thought about how it has bled through every page I have ever used it to write on. I thought about how the ink expands, keeping me from writing small enough to actually fit in the margins. I was reminded of the explosion that happened in Ephesians 2--yes, in that passage, but on my page in my own bible. My pen exploded and there is left a huge ink stain on those pages. I didn't choose to use this pen because it was perfect, I chose to use this pen because I wanted to.
I leave ink stains among God's holy scripture all the time, yet He keeps me. He bandages me up and keeps using me.
Sometimes I see people and think, Oh, she's too pretty, there's no way she's a believer. or He's already a star athlete, why does he deserve the gospel too, on top of all that goodness? If we were to sit and talk about all we deserve, the list would be pretty short, in fact only one thing would be on it: death. Christ desires something else for us. If I believe I'm not good enough for it, I believe Jesus' sacrifice on the cross wasn't enough. If I keep the Good News of Jesus Christ from the pretty people, the successful people or whomever, if I think the lost are just fine without it, by doing that I'm saying that Jesus' death on the cross wasn't all that much. Why would I ever deprive myself or others of the fulfillment of knowing Christ?
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Spoken word of spoken words//heart problems being the heart of the problem
I pray that You may give me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that I may know You better. I pray that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened in order that I may know the hope to which You have called me, the riches of Your glorious inheritance in Your holy people, and Your incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength You exerted when You raised Christ from the dead and seated him at Your right hand in the heavenly realms, -Ephesians 1:17-20 AHV [Alyssa Hicks Version]
I was apart of the 4 unaccompanied #GatewayGirlsToPeru who caught a plane because God told us to. I've been a believer long enough to know I should move when He tells me to, but I'd be lying if I told I wasn't sitting on Logan's front steps less than 48 hours of our departure asking her if we should really do this with slim to none plans of what the next 6 weeks of our lives were going to look like.
I doubt all the time, I'm a natural pessimist, but I'm so thankful for God's constant pursuit of me, even when I'm running from His goodness. I have to be honest about my disobedience, because when I lie to myself, it gives the enemy room for opinion. For months preparing for Peru, I prayed those verses above over myself. For a spirit of wisdom and revelation; for the eyes of my heart to be enlightened to the hope in which I have been called; and for the incomparably, immeasurable, incredible greatness of God's power that has been given to us who believe. I prayed big, bold things and God did immeasurably more than I could've asked or ever imagined.
So we went to Peru. The moment I got in the van of our new family and looked out of the window I thought, "You know, I could come back here. Maybe study here the fall of my senior year--" My thought was interrupted by the Lord saying, "No, you're coming back here in January." Immediately, I let the rest of His message to go to voicemail with no intention of calling Him back, hoping God called the wrong sheep.
Day 3 in Lima, my friend Courtney and I were making breakfast and she turned to me and said, "I feel like I'm supposed to come back here in January and I feel like you're supposed to come with."
I threw down the dishes I was washing, turned around irritably and asked, "Who told you that?"
"God did."
Later that day, we met up with our friend and translator from our first trip to Lima in 2011. We passed a university and God said, "This is the university you are going to go to." I put my headphones in and ran to the nearest TGI Friday's to eat American food and watch the World Cup.
The next day we met with this church. This church is what enlightened the eyes of my heart. God said that this is the church, this is the hope to which I have been called to and I started opening up to the idea. That night, I told the girls what God had been revealing to me and asked if they would pray fervently about God's plan A for me.
As we left Lima for Pacasmayo, Peru; I figured my time out of Lima would be good for my heart, removed from the city limits, to talk to God about all this. At least once a day, I would ask Samantha if she had talked to God on my behalf about this whole January thing. Not that I wanted God to show me right then, but that what I heard from God then in June, was something He would tell me again in October, when I'm equally removed from both experiences. "Yes, Alyssa. Yes, I'm praying."
On our last day in Pacasmayo, we were leaving to go back to Lima and we four were sitting in a grocery store and I asked again: "Have you guys been praying for me?!" My hair was blown back by their unison of "YES, ALYSSA."
I sat in thought and said boldly, "Okay. If God wants me to go to Peru in January, let's ask Him for a sign. If it is raining when we land in Lima, God's saying yes. Not misting, but raining. Real rain." God's speaks to me a lot through the rain and the part of Lima we were in, it mists a lot, but real rain hardly ever comes, so if God wanted me back there, I was asking Him to show off.
I get off the plane and we grab our bags, and just as we find our ride, I notice the night sky. It's pouring. My friend looked at me and said, "You asked God for a sign and He gave it to you. You can ask Him for more and He will provide, but you know you're answer, now you pray for preparation."
She was right. In the Houston airport, I emailed my advisor and told her my plans of studying abroad and changing my major because God said January. I got to school in August and God still said January. I applied for abroad programs in Peru because God said January. Peru is on the other side of the equator, so their seasons are different as well as their school year. Their spring semester doesn't start until March, but God still said January.
So here it was, finally October when I asked God to give me wisdom and revelation, but all He was giving me was January. I started making my own plans for January and February, thinking I could technically stay in the states, invest in what God is doing in Springfield, but in my mind I was reminded that He said January.
I came home for a cardiologist appointment and things did not go as I'd have liked. I have neurocardiogenic syncope and tachy-brady syndrome, but it has been manageable up to this point. When I told my doctor what's been going on, he wasn't stoaked about my latest symptoms. He strapped an MCOT on me and scheduled an appointment to meet back with him in a month. Definitely a roadblock to trying to leave the country for 8 months. This month has been phone calls from doctors, second opinions, and anxiety over what little information that doctors have been able to give me. This definitely made my family more comfortable with going closer to March, if going at all, but God said January, yet I still had no idea why.
"I have to remain in Him with no chance of going back
I have to burn my ships and face the facts
That I wasn't destined for average
I was chose for something great
I can't let fear or comfort cripple me from my fate"
But why January? What will I do for the two months before classes start? Last weekend, I texted Courtney about Peru and when we should go, she said still said January, because God's word is never wavering. Our friend is in the process of adopting two girls from the orphanage we lived at in Pacasmayo and she will have to go alone because the dates to pick them up were pushed back. To January. Immediately upon hearing this, I knew she was the reason God said January back on June 10. Conveniently, I was in Kansas City that weekend and called my parents to meet me downtown to discuss what this all looks like. My parents have been hesitant with all this. They want me to seek God's will, but don't want to be bad parents and send their youngest daughter with a weak heart all the way to a third-world country.
I sat in the backseat of their car and I said everything. I said January because God said January, I said I loved them and Galatians 6, but I am a bond servant to the Lord, I have to obey Him. My dad avoided eye contact and my mom said she's been praying about this, she's recruited all of the woman in her bible study to pray about this, she turned around and said to me, "Some of the women in my bible study have told me that your heart belongs to Peru right now. I know you're going in January."
People always tell me that they never hear from God so clearly, but my only response is this clarity is the most effective way God has been able to get through to me. We've tried other ways and I'm really good at talking my way out of them. Praying Ephesians 1:17-20 was a game-changer, but it has also been nothing shy of terrifying.
I threw down the dishes I was washing, turned around irritably and asked, "Who told you that?"
"God did."
Later that day, we met up with our friend and translator from our first trip to Lima in 2011. We passed a university and God said, "This is the university you are going to go to." I put my headphones in and ran to the nearest TGI Friday's to eat American food and watch the World Cup.
The next day we met with this church. This church is what enlightened the eyes of my heart. God said that this is the church, this is the hope to which I have been called to and I started opening up to the idea. That night, I told the girls what God had been revealing to me and asked if they would pray fervently about God's plan A for me.
As we left Lima for Pacasmayo, Peru; I figured my time out of Lima would be good for my heart, removed from the city limits, to talk to God about all this. At least once a day, I would ask Samantha if she had talked to God on my behalf about this whole January thing. Not that I wanted God to show me right then, but that what I heard from God then in June, was something He would tell me again in October, when I'm equally removed from both experiences. "Yes, Alyssa. Yes, I'm praying."
On our last day in Pacasmayo, we were leaving to go back to Lima and we four were sitting in a grocery store and I asked again: "Have you guys been praying for me?!" My hair was blown back by their unison of "YES, ALYSSA."
I sat in thought and said boldly, "Okay. If God wants me to go to Peru in January, let's ask Him for a sign. If it is raining when we land in Lima, God's saying yes. Not misting, but raining. Real rain." God's speaks to me a lot through the rain and the part of Lima we were in, it mists a lot, but real rain hardly ever comes, so if God wanted me back there, I was asking Him to show off.
"My arms open
wide and my face to the sky
I look up at
the water that will inevitably fall on me
And wait for
those droplets that allow me to blossom where I’ve been planted"I get off the plane and we grab our bags, and just as we find our ride, I notice the night sky. It's pouring. My friend looked at me and said, "You asked God for a sign and He gave it to you. You can ask Him for more and He will provide, but you know you're answer, now you pray for preparation."
She was right. In the Houston airport, I emailed my advisor and told her my plans of studying abroad and changing my major because God said January. I got to school in August and God still said January. I applied for abroad programs in Peru because God said January. Peru is on the other side of the equator, so their seasons are different as well as their school year. Their spring semester doesn't start until March, but God still said January.
So here it was, finally October when I asked God to give me wisdom and revelation, but all He was giving me was January. I started making my own plans for January and February, thinking I could technically stay in the states, invest in what God is doing in Springfield, but in my mind I was reminded that He said January.
I came home for a cardiologist appointment and things did not go as I'd have liked. I have neurocardiogenic syncope and tachy-brady syndrome, but it has been manageable up to this point. When I told my doctor what's been going on, he wasn't stoaked about my latest symptoms. He strapped an MCOT on me and scheduled an appointment to meet back with him in a month. Definitely a roadblock to trying to leave the country for 8 months. This month has been phone calls from doctors, second opinions, and anxiety over what little information that doctors have been able to give me. This definitely made my family more comfortable with going closer to March, if going at all, but God said January, yet I still had no idea why.
"I have to remain in Him with no chance of going back
I have to burn my ships and face the facts
That I wasn't destined for average
I was chose for something great
I can't let fear or comfort cripple me from my fate"
But why January? What will I do for the two months before classes start? Last weekend, I texted Courtney about Peru and when we should go, she said still said January, because God's word is never wavering. Our friend is in the process of adopting two girls from the orphanage we lived at in Pacasmayo and she will have to go alone because the dates to pick them up were pushed back. To January. Immediately upon hearing this, I knew she was the reason God said January back on June 10. Conveniently, I was in Kansas City that weekend and called my parents to meet me downtown to discuss what this all looks like. My parents have been hesitant with all this. They want me to seek God's will, but don't want to be bad parents and send their youngest daughter with a weak heart all the way to a third-world country.
I sat in the backseat of their car and I said everything. I said January because God said January, I said I loved them and Galatians 6, but I am a bond servant to the Lord, I have to obey Him. My dad avoided eye contact and my mom said she's been praying about this, she's recruited all of the woman in her bible study to pray about this, she turned around and said to me, "Some of the women in my bible study have told me that your heart belongs to Peru right now. I know you're going in January."
People always tell me that they never hear from God so clearly, but my only response is this clarity is the most effective way God has been able to get through to me. We've tried other ways and I'm really good at talking my way out of them. Praying Ephesians 1:17-20 was a game-changer, but it has also been nothing shy of terrifying.
The doctor's say I'm not medically cleared, my expiration date has been made more real, but my confidence isn't found in medicine or overworking hearts. My hope is in God and my confidence is in His word.
"My circumstances won't rob You of Your adoration
They won't keep me in the boat
I will sprint towards Your hope
Because You are good
And tomorrow won't change that"
The Lord has been reminding me of words that I wrote a year ago. A year exactly. As I seek His guidance in this next stage of my life, I pray that those words I proclaimed, those words that are vows of our covenant remain to be glue of my faith and the proof of His provision.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Quit Dwelling on The Cross
A feeling of inadequacy is real in the Christia--in life. The feeling is real and can be related to almost, if not every experience in life. Our culture is constantly telling us that we have to better ourselves before we can get what we want, or sometimes even what we need.
When it comes to Christianity, I hear so many people tell me that they'll become a Christian later when it's on their time, when they're done with high school or college or when they're married with kids. Then they'll fully surrender their lives to God, but right now, it's just too much work for them to do. They've got to clean themselves up before the God of the Universe will even consider accepting them.
I hear that and I think of saints like Doug Benjamin, who was far from cleaned up when he met God. Who was fleeing his responsibilities, fighting drug addiction and trying to figure out what it meant to be a father after being absent in his children's lives for many years. I think of Doug now, who welcomed Christ into his life during that mess, who has been saved by grace and raised up with Christ. Doug uses his God-given gifts to invest in the lives of men in prison and coming out of prison and sacrificially gives his time and resources to others, because he understands they don't belong to him anyways. His humility overflows into the lives of those men and he's been an example to the coming ages of the immeasurable riches of God's grace.
I think of my friend Hannah, who knew God, but never truly experienced Him. I think of how scary it was for her our freshman year of college. She knew God with her head, but it wasn't revealed to her heart, so she said all the right answers, but wondered why she was still wondering. I see Hannah now, who is a daughter of the Most High King, who has been justified by not only Christ's death but His resurrection. I see Hannah, who is still a mess like the rest of us, that has been made righteous by her faith, as she continuously doesn't let her circumstances rob God of His adoration.
When I surrendered to God, I was running from His calling. I knew what He expected of me, but I tried to prove to Him and everyone around me that he dialed the wrong number, I wasn't the one He was looking for. I remember wondering who could this God be who could take something of my condition and make it into anything useful.
That was when I stopped dwelling on the cross, and stared into the tomb. I hear that and I think of saints like Doug Benjamin, who was far from cleaned up when he met God. Who was fleeing his responsibilities, fighting drug addiction and trying to figure out what it meant to be a father after being absent in his children's lives for many years. I think of Doug now, who welcomed Christ into his life during that mess, who has been saved by grace and raised up with Christ. Doug uses his God-given gifts to invest in the lives of men in prison and coming out of prison and sacrificially gives his time and resources to others, because he understands they don't belong to him anyways. His humility overflows into the lives of those men and he's been an example to the coming ages of the immeasurable riches of God's grace.
I think of my friend Hannah, who knew God, but never truly experienced Him. I think of how scary it was for her our freshman year of college. She knew God with her head, but it wasn't revealed to her heart, so she said all the right answers, but wondered why she was still wondering. I see Hannah now, who is a daughter of the Most High King, who has been justified by not only Christ's death but His resurrection. I see Hannah, who is still a mess like the rest of us, that has been made righteous by her faith, as she continuously doesn't let her circumstances rob God of His adoration.
When I surrendered to God, I was running from His calling. I knew what He expected of me, but I tried to prove to Him and everyone around me that he dialed the wrong number, I wasn't the one He was looking for. I remember wondering who could this God be who could take something of my condition and make it into anything useful.
Maybe you need to quit looking at the cross. Yes, your sins were so suffocating that they put the Son of God on a cross and killed him, but He didn't stay there. Your sins were slain. Jesus Christ died, but He rose again and Vince-Carter-dunked on every single sin that you've committed and will ever commit. He conquered them all. He lives so now you can live. You don't have to be, because He is, He was, and He will always be. Leave your sin on that cross and step inside that tomb. Step inside His mercy, walk in the midst of His grace and be made righteous by your faith because you have been set free. Admit that you need a cleaning crew, because it is not by our own doing, but it is a gift from God and recognize that your inadequacies are just lies that are keeping you from living the in the immeasurable riches of His grace by which you have been saved.
Because you are enough. You have always been enough.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
What they don't tell you about being a Christian
I've always been a very independent person and I take pride in my individuality and my lack of necessity when it comes to needing others, but I've learned throughout the years that this is one of my biggest setbacks in my walk with God (ironic, I know). There's been tons of times, I've turned down help, even God's, because--well, I got this.
I remember when I first decided to accept all that God had to offer, my biggest concern was what He was going to ask me on my end. I thought that by being a Christian, that going all in, meant I'd have to stop being funny. I thought it meant I'd have to stop having an opinion, raise 5 kids, never cut my hair, and cross my legs when I sit. Because so many of us, as Christians, we tell our story as, "Hi, I'm Alyssa and before I knew God I was a prideful, arrogant jerk who could talk myself in and out of anything. But then I accepted Jesus Christ in my heart." --and credits.
I mean, all that's true, but what I usually seem to leave out is the fact that I still am a prideful, arrogant jerk. I could sell ice to the devil and I have a talent of telling people how it is. Of course, yeah, I have my good days, but if I'm not battling those sins, I've got some other self-absorbed desire that I have to shake off. Yes, the Spirit lives within me and I love God's law with all my heart, but there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me, so daily I take up my cross and ask God to strip me of my flesh, with the faith that knows He can and the faith that knows, even if He chooses not to, He's given me His Spirit to combat it.
I met a girl this summer who reminded me a lot of myself and I watched this 15-year-old girl's body language and listened to her tell me stories about how she talks to her parents or sisters. I cringed and thanked God for the mercy He had on me to not allow 15-year-old Alyssa live out her plans in this life.
I've been all in with God for awhile but that disobedient spirit in me still fights against what He has planned. But every time I give in to His will and allow myself to be refined by His fire it's worth every millisecond.
I've said this before, but let me say it again: My decision to follow God wasn't an option. Once I encountered the love of Jesus Christ and let His grace wash over me, I knew that waking up every morning with that hole in my chest wasn't something I was willing to settle for anymore. Because when the God of the universe didn't only extend an arm down into that hole of muck I dug yourself into, but got down in that muck with me and lift me out of it, I couldn't go back to sleepless nights staring at the ceiling searching for the answer of where each one of my breaths come from. I couldn't live in that regret and shame and unworthiness a moment longer. I had tasted the sweetest wine, how could I ever go back to drinking water?
Following God wasn't an alternative for me, it was my only choice available. All the others paled in comparison, trust me, I tried them out. But choosing God wasn't my only choice. I've had to choose to follow Him every day since then.
Christianity isn't a way out or a solution to your most current problem, it's truth. It doesn't lessen your troubles, but it does give you the peace and strength to face them. Following God isn't easy, but it's worth it. Oh, is it worth it.
Christianity isn't a way out or a solution to your most current problem, it's truth. It doesn't lessen your troubles, but it does give you the peace and strength to face them. Following God isn't easy, but it's worth it. Oh, is it worth it.
I've been in this race for 5 solid years now, and there is no other place I'd rather be than with my eyes on the ground looking to where His feet take me next. God knew I had a free spirit, so He gave me wings and these wings have allowed me to fly and have taken me farther than I could have ever asked or imagined. Then there are times when I have to ask God to clip them, so I can stay where He asks me to.
It seems to be that I remember my past struggles over my current ones, but the reality of it is that I'm a soldier fighting a war and not every day is rainbows and lollipops and not every battle I enter do I win. But in this fight, I'm on the winning army and even during those times of strife, they are still better than my days without Him.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
I am powerful beyond measure.
I'm scared, not solely because these plans take me out of my comfort zone, but mostly because these plans involve me leaning on God every second of the day. I'm scared because, with God, I am brilliant. I am liberated, set free and God's plans for me are every single one of my aspirations wrapped into one glowing ball of fire fueled by the work I put into them, fighting to be released for my good and His glory.
The bible says, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your path straight. Let me say that again: acknowledge Him in all your ways. Not just some, not just the big decisions, but every. single. one. I have to wake up in the morning and acknowledge God when I choose what road I take to work or what I wear for the day. What classes I take in the fall, what words I choose to say. I have to acknowledge Him, because if and when I don't, my life crumbles around me. If I don't acknowledge God in all my ways, I'm choosing to acknowledge other things, and let me tell you, that fails you faster than oiled feet on a slip-n-slide.
I spent years of my life trying to loosen the grip God had on me. It was a tug-of-war between Him and me. He'd pull me closer into His plans, but I got scared and I eventually let go. But when I fell into that mud hole in the center of our rope, the only one who climbed down there with me was Him. I had to burn my ships and make my home in God's arms. Everyday is no less easy, but everyday is much more worth it. God has chosen me. He wants me. My playing small does not serve the world.
The following is a poem I wrote. When people ask me my testimony, I usually recite lines from this writing. If this resonates with anyone, I pray you read the second part of this poem as a prayer. It's the best decision I've ever made and it's the only thing that has never failed me.
I was told by the world that treasures were measured by money, power and fame
That the only way to survive was seeing things through clouded eyes
So I believed in the world's lie and tried to disqualify myself from the life I had been chosen for
I could be part of this world and love God at the same time
As long as neither found out about the other
I was an adulterous to my own life
I was imprisoned to my sin
Knowing that Christ had already paid that price
And made me alive again
Yet I still found myself serving that sentence
Enslaved to that idol that I claimed repentance
Being reminded by God
That yes, His grace covers
But I wasn't walking in the manner in which He called me
I didn't understand that what He was asking for was all of me
So I flirted with that line of holy and mundane until it faded
Could only find God on Sundays when my cries were belated
And the lens I was looking through only made me more jaded
But I knew God
I knew the creator of this universe
I couldn't barter my way into His presence
I had to remain in Him with no chance of going back
I had to burn my ships and face the facts
That I wasn't destined for average
I was chose for something great
I couldn't let fear or comfort cripple me from my fate
I knew if I waited longer
My role could be replaced
So I kept no flaw of mine from Him
For He already knew it
Gave Him my brokenness so He could use it
Because He told me that every detail of my life was for my own benefit
That my story would help someone
But only if I allowed it
So I was refined by His fire
Went to the background and gave Him center stage
Wanting to be a speck in His story
Just a period on a page
Any more of me would be robbing Him of His glory
And my only purpose is to bring Him praise
So I render myself in His hands as clay
Staring at the ashes of what was
With no way back, I'm here to stay
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